The retreat

[pegkerr]

The retreat, as I said, was wonderful. The St. Benedict's Monastery, which is associated with the Sisters of the Order of St. Benedict, is on the campus of the College of Saint Benedict, a woman's college in St. Joseph, Minnesota (the nearby men's college is St. John's). It's the largest resident community of Benedictine nuns at present in the world, although there's a group in Africa which is getting close in size. The median age of the Sisters (I believe) is around 74. The Spirituality Center, where I stayed, had another life as a college dormitory, but now people on retreat stay there, as well as groups who come to use the center. Very comfortable. I had two strokes of luck: my visit was actually timed with the college's spring break, so there were no students around, which meant it was extremely quiet. And there were no other people staying in the Spirituality Center, either. There was one woman who was also on a retreat (a week of respite from caring for her father, who has Alzheimer's), but she was staying at the Hermitage. These are two little rustic cottages: one is kept for people who come for retreat, as I did, and one is reserved for Sisters of the order for their retreats. The Hermitage might be nice to do some time, but I was perfectly happy at the Spirituality Center, since there was no one else staying there but me. Sisters staffed it during the day, but I had the place to myself at night, and it was nice to go to the kitchen and make a cup of tea, and have a plate of the homemade cookies that the Sisters made and helpfully tucked into the breadbox for me. I ate breakfast at the Spirituality Center's kitchen--cereal or eggs. One day I made French toast. Lunch and dinner I ate with the Sisters in their dining hall.

It felt so strange, in a way, the way they took care of me. It made me realize how much being a caretaker is part of my daily life, that having that role reversed seemed like such a big deal. The first morning I came into the Spirituality Center's kitchen for breakfast, there was a place setting of dishes all nicely set out on the counter. "Oh, they're just showing me what dishes are available," I thought vaguely, and pulled other dishes out of the cupboard for my own meal. "But we left those dishes out for you," Sister Luanne told me afterward. And it felt positively decadent to be told to just leave my dishes in the sink. "I can put them in the dishwasher," I protested, trying to be polite. I thought of all the times I had harangued my family to clean up after themselves instead of leaving their dishes for me to do. "Oh, no," Sister Teresa said, smiling. "That's what we do." A Sister was there to accompany me at the lunches and dinners, so that I would have company if I wanted it--but they would show me the little side room where I could eat by myself in silence, if I preferred--which I did on Tuesday, because I was struggling with a bout of tears at lunchtime. If I dropped a spoon or a fork in the dining hall, a Sister would immediately fetch me one to replace it.

Their kindness was part of their service, I realized. All their work that they do, teaching, administrative, nursing, or caring for people on retreat, is their vocation.

The peace sank into my bones, and I embraced it with relief. Threaded throughout the day, the sisters keep the Liturgy of the Hours: morning prayer before breakfast at 7:00 a.m.--I never managed to make that--midday at 11:30 a.m., right before lunch (went to all of those), mass at 5:00 p.m. (ditto) and vespers at 7:00 p.m. (went to that about half the time). I did yoga. I walked in the cold, breathing the crisp air and looking at the sky, sometimes listening to the Holy Tree playlist.

I had a session of spiritual counseling with Sister Josue, which was helpful, and gave me much to think about. I got a massage from Stephanie, who is the newest postulant to the community--she was a massage therapist before coming to St. Benedict's. Sister Dorothy helped me track down a piece of artwork I found mentioned in some of the materials about the Order: apparently, the order's founder, Mother Benedicta Riepp, reported a dream:

I saw a large tree growing up, covered all over with beautiful white blossoms. I believe that the dream is an image of the beautiful life of unity and love shared by all the members (of the new foundation in America).

A piece of artwork was commissioned of the blooming tree in Mother Benedicta's dream for the St. Benedict's Monastery's 150th Anniversary, and Sister Dorothy kindly arranged for me a private viewing to see one of the prints.

I did the soulcollaging at night. That was wonderful. Mostly, I was going through magazines and cutting out images that struck me (back issues of National Geographic are the new crack for me.) But I did make three cards and I have many ideas for further ones, too. What the whole thing did was to give me reassurance about one of my deepest fears, which I think was one of the things that has driven my depression: the sense that I've lost my creativity. By happy chance, I took my ribbon coat to the retreat, and in fact sewed on another ribbon while I was there. I wore it one day and was stopped over and over again by various Sisters in the dining hall who asked me questions about it: "How lovely! Why, you made it yourself? My, how creative you are!" What I realized when I was soulcollaging was the entire process was almost exactly like what I used to do when I wrote short stories: in preparation, I would read voraciously, just as I was combing through images now. I'd get three or four ideas, and then, when one more appeared, the crucial one, the whole story would blossom in my mind, as if I'd dropped a seed crystal into a supersaturated solution, making a crystalline structure bloom. The way the cards came together was just the same.

I haven't lost it, I thought with relief. It's still buried under there, somewhere, even if I'm not writing fiction right now.

It was hard to leave. But Sister Rita gave me a gift when I did that touched me very deeply. With exquisite tact, she didn't hand it to me directly, which might have put me in the awkward situation of wondering whether I should accept it or not. Instead, she handed it on to the Sister who checked me out of the Center to give to me then, a big and beautiful coffee table book filled with splendid photographs: The Meaning of Trees: Botany, History, Healing, Lore, by Fred Hageneder. Here is the cover:

The Meaning of Trees

I would strongly recommend the St. Benedict Monastery's Spirituality Center for retreats. If you go, and you get half out of it that I did, you will be very blessed indeed.

Comments

[daharyn.livejournal.com]

quite glad to see how lovely this was for you.

[bethynyc.livejournal.com]

That is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. ::hugs you::

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

You sound very blessed. you should remember that it's important sometimes for others to take care of you, and acceptable for that to happen.

[haniaw.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a wonderful experience. Peace and quiet is so hard to find in our regular lives, isn't it?

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

Sounds like an incredible experience. If anyone needs that caretaking role reversed, it's a wife and mom like you (and I'm wondering if this sort of experience would be good for my mom too).

I'm not the least bit surprised to hear that you tapped into another outlet for your creativity, we are always our worst critics and biggest doubters (I'm struggling a bit with self-confidence myself at the moment, though not regarding creativity, but work stuff). Which card themes did you focus on?

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Well, I just put together the first cards that seem to come together. I made three Committee cards (the inner me): the Romantic, the Sybarite (I love to take baths) and the Active Exerciser.

Much more interesting, I think, were two Council cards: The Raven Council (i.e., 'the ravens of unresting thought,' hearkening back to that Yeats poem--this card was all about depression. I even got the "bitter glass" in there). That one I like very much, but it isn't quite finished--I need to get a couple more raven images to add. And another one I finished just last night, The Green Man. I hope to get some of them scanned and posted soon. If we ever get the scanner fixed. Oy.

[jbru.livejournal.com]

Your description makes my heart ache with the beauty and gentleness. I have some of the same caretaking that you have in your life and to hear how sweetly the Sisters cared for you echoes deeply in my soul. Tears well up just thinking about the idea. I must look more into this opportunity.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Yes, you should. You would be a very good candidate for it, and I'm sure you would find it wonderful.

[mangosong.livejournal.com]

How wonderful to hear about this experience. I can definitely relate to being in a caretaker's role all the time, and what a relief it must have been to have someone else take care of you for a change.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

It sounds like such a wonderful, blessed experience.

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

The hardest part of being a caretaker, I learned, was that no one takes care of the caretaker. I'm so glad you got to experience that, and I hope this becomes an annual thing, if possible, for you. See? You're still vibrant and creative, but the left brain minutiae of day to day life has just overshadowed the other. We only have so much energy and if you're focusing it all on taking care of each of your family members, then there isn't much left over for writing and the like. But you're getting back there and you WILL learn to integrate it, even if it means scribbling notes on the back of deposit slips at stoplights.

Tux Cat (see icon) says you're the bee's knees.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I love Tux Cat. Tell him thank you.

[aurianrose.livejournal.com]

Have you ever thought about trying your hand at non-fiction writing? I would love to read a book of Peg Kerr's thoughts on life, motherhood, and everything in between!

It was a joy to read about your experience. Thank you for sharing.

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

I've always thought she'd be fabulous at freelancing articles for parenting/family magazines.

[tassie-gal.livejournal.com]

I am so glad you got the "you" time you obviously needed and craved.

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

Ooooh... that sounds like heaven. Pure bliss and balm to the soul. I'm glad you had the opportunity to go and can see I will have to try to find something similar around here.

[morganmuffle]

I'm glad you had such a wonderful and blessed time.

Are you still collecting tree pictures? I went to Korea just after you posted your request and found myself for a week spotting interesting trees *g* gave me a different perspective on the experience I think (so thank you!)

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Yes, I am still collecting pictures! I've been having a little trouble with my ISP, however, so if you'd like to send me a tree via email (how funny that sounds!) go to this entry and leave me your own email address (your comment will be screened so no one else can see it). Then I'll send you an email, and you can send a reply, with the tree(s) attached, and it should get through.

How wonderful that you got to go to Korea!

[haniaw.livejournal.com]

Did you see the trees I posted here?

[aome.livejournal.com]

What a lovely experience. I'm so glad someone took care of YOU for a change, and that you had some peace. Thank you for sharing.

[zencuppa.livejournal.com]

I am so glad the sisters took care of you, and that you found what you needed.

It's also given me some thoughts about taking a break like this too.

[rachet.livejournal.com]

That sounds so blissful. I wish I could find one in the Central Ohio area.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Try Googling "Spiritual Retreat Ohio" and you might find something good. There are more and more places out there, and I looked at websites for four or five places before settling on this one.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Looks like you have a number of choices.

[malinaldarose.livejournal.com]

That sounds lovely.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

Oh, Peg -- oh, Peg. How absolutely beautiful. I'm tearing up, and I am so happy for you. Your words and observations have helped me see how and why I may have rebelled against my own commitment to serve, vaguely aware that I'd poured myself out and could no longer help those who I was supposed to be guiding. Even the Sisters have their own retreat house, and it's important to remember that those who serve need time apart to refresh and heal too. Now I just have to sort through what I can actively do about it.

Have you considered making a date to do this around every vernal equinox?

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Have you considered making a date to do this around every vernal equinox? I would really like to do that.

[sternel.livejournal.com]

Courtesy of the strange almost-knowing that reading another's journal can produce, I've felt a great deal of affection for you for years now, even though we met only once in passing (at Nimbus) -- so I was hoping, and waiting to hear, that your retreat was what you hoped. I'm glad it was!

I think I might look into this for myself; I'm approaching a bit of a crossroads, and I think a few days engaged in just being instead of doing will help guide me right. Thank you for sharing your experience.