Thinking about teaching about sex

[pegkerr]

In a rather interesting juxtaposition, I read two fascinating posts today on the subject of sex. The first was cakmpls's musings here about the changing mores/generational shift re: the delicate art of negotiation between a man and a woman as to whether her 'no' really means 'no' in the heat of the moment.

The other was an essay at Salon's Broadsheet [broadsheet] about the increasing cultural obsession with the virginity status of A list teen celebrities.

It's been interesting, reading these posts and reflecting upon my role as a mother in teaching my girls about their own sexuality: about thoroughly understanding it (the mechanics and emotions both), enjoying it without fear, and respecting its power. I've tried to initiate conversations over the years, to seize teachable moments. Still, I worry. Fiona is fifteen now. I haven't really detected much evidence of crushes, either way, among her group of friends, but they're at the right age (and face it, she's so beautiful), and the tone of their banter amongst themselves is occasionally starting to edge into the more risqué, so it could come anytime, I know. I think that kids today face a lot of pressures---and some greater dangers--that I didn't really face when I was in own my teen years. I was sort of a late bloomer, too, which, looking back, I think helped me a lot.

I hope I'm doing it right. God knows I'm trying. But I guess that's one of the questions parents might never know.

(Oh, except: Mom and Dad? You did it really right for me.)

Comments

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

the increasing cultural obsession with the virginity status of A list teen celebrities.

R is the only one of the four who has ever had any interest in celebrities of this sort, and my response to every such mention in one of her magazines or on TV, when she and I are together, has been along the lines of "Not our business. Her/his business only."

(Reminds me of someone's--I think J told me about it--reaction to some "feminine hygiene" ad: "I know entirely too much about that woman's crotch.")

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

It's always tricky to discuss this, because I don't want to invade anyone's privacy, and most of our kids have reached the age where it definitely is none of our business, but I think I can reasonably say that our experience bears out studies that have shown that kids raised in a close and loving family tend not to be sexually active early. I would say that your family qualifies there.

[whiskeychick.livejournal.com]

As a parent I try to take natural opportunities to provide teaching, guidance, counsel. But, sometimes it is thrown in our face, even sooner than we'd like.

What my town is embroiled in today: http://whiskeychick.livejournal.com/252725.html

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

*sigh* A teachable moment, indeed.

I took my girls to the local Gay Pride parade several times, hoping to introduce them to ideas of tolerance early. They weren't fazed by some of the more brazen examples of gentlemen being less-than-fully-clothed, but instead remember it fondly as the parade "where they threw the best candy."

[whiskeychick.livejournal.com]

we did the same with ours...the summer solstice parade and follow-on festival celebrates thinking that seems to have long gone to the way side...but, I digress. The parade begins with naked bicycle riders. My kids remember as their first experience of this -- back in '06 as the parade where people were not afraid to be themselves. :-D

All we can hope is that the truth will outweigh the ignorance.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to let you know that I added you to my friends list.

[whiskeychick.livejournal.com]

awesome! thanks! Added back!

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

What I found most ironic was Hutcherson's comment about how gay folks had a day, but he didn't. Guess he hadn't heard about Black History MONTH, eh?

[dreamingcrow.livejournal.com]

You have my sympathies. I grew up in a tiny mountain town around here, I know what it's like.

My son participated today, but since we're in Seattle now, he didn't get hassled.

[liadan-m.livejournal.com]

I hope I do as well as you have--I've got a beautiful 10-yr-old to manage to get through the next several years, who is just now starting the mantra of "I hate my body. Make it stop. I don't want breasts. I don't want hips. I don't want the rest of it!"

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

My closest experience to doing the "birds & bees" talk was coming out to my nephews. Which was a matter of getting a lot of help from folks on LJ (well, it was more a matter--I think--of providing me a venue to freak out a little, and then move on), and timing on my part.

I'm reminded of the time, when I was working on a child psych unit, when I had to have a talk with one of "my boys" masturbating (fully clothed) in public. I told him it wasn't such a good idea because it was kind of like eating a chocolate bar in front of kids who didn't have a chocolate bar...

[aome.livejournal.com]

So, what IS the "really right" way to do it? The only thing we've really had to deal with so far is little hands exploring their private parts or, in fidgety-boredom, just wandering into their drawers. We've told them they are welcome to check themselves out as much as they like, but it's a private thing, just for their eyes, not an out-in-public thing. We don't want them to feel ashamed of it, only to respect the personal-ness. Not sure if we're doing that right or not - and I know it's just the tip of the sexuality iceberg.

On the other hand, we know they won't likely blink an eye at same-sex issues, given that their godfathers are gay. :D

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I think you really have to seize the teachable moments. Kids also pick up a lot about parental attitudes indirectly--by the way they interact with each other, the side comments they make, the jokes that they tell.

I've talked with the girls extensively over the years, trying to be as blase about the whole thing as I can, trying to show I'm comfortable talking about it. Heck, Fiona read The Wild Swans and knows I wrote it. When Fiona had her menarche, I got her a couple of books with sex positive and very complete information, telling her, "I'm not saying you need this information now, but it's important for you to have these, sort of an owner's manual for your own body."