Thinking about betrayal

[pegkerr]

I have been mulling about betrayal this week, and about making mistakes in general.

It's a lot of little things coming together in my mind. I spent a lot of time--perhaps too much--kicking myself about a couple of bone-headed things I had said in this journal. Just stupid things, really, the sort where I look back at myself and wonder, My god, Peg, what on earth were you thinking??? (I've mentioned my seven year "statute of limitations" rule, where I refuse to feel guilty about anything that happened over seven years ago, on the basis of the fact that you all replace the cells in your body over the course of seven years, so you can rightfully say it was an entirely different person who made that mistake.) I've been reading a ton of fanfiction about Severus Snape (*waves to bohemianspirit), about the choices he made (not to mention listening to "The Bravest Man I Ever Knew" on the Ministry of Magic website on endless repeat). I've been following the coverage about the trial between J.K. Rowling and RDR Books. (Reminder: this is the trial concerning the Harry Potter Lexicon webmaster Steve Vander Ark, who, contrary to J.K. Rowling's wishes, is trying to publish a print copy of the Lexicon through RDR Books). The trial concerns issues of fair use copyright; I've mentioned the excellent analysis being done by praetorianguard. I was listening to PotterCast's [pottercast] episode about the trial, in which the PotterCast staff talked about the severing of their longtime relationship with Steve Vander Ark over the issues coming out of the trial and where sue_tlc in particular talked about her personal grief over the loss of the friendship.

I've mentioned it before; I, too, was friends with Steve because we worked together on the HPEF Board of Directors. This has all been bothering me a great deal more than I have said here.

I liked him. I can't understand why he has done this. I read the coverage about his words and actions during the trial, and while I want to scream at him for doing such a thing, the part of him that was his friend reads about his own grief at how he now feels cut off from the Harry Potter community, and I find myself sympathizing with him against my will. It hurts to find something inside of yourself that still tugs you toward someone who you feel has done something betraying.

This, coupled with all that Severus Snape fanfiction, has made me think again about the essay I wrote about remorse and transformation of character in Book 7. It's fascinating to re-read that essay, keeping the events of the J.K. Rowling trial against RDR books in mind. I wrote:

Rowling has always said that that series is about choosing what is right over what is easy. What I started thinking about as I read DH is that, especially in this book, Rowling has as much to say about the people who initially chose wrongly, and then went back to correct their mistakes. Choosing rightly the first chance you are given is best, of course. If you don't make mistakes, you don't have as much to fix. Some mistakes are enormous, and they can create consequences that are permanent.

Is it still possible to go back and choose again, differently? To say, I was wrong, I take it back. I want to now move in a new direction, the first one I should have chosen"? Since it is our choices that make us who we are, Dumbledore tells us, changing our choices means transforming our character. Is this possible, even when our initial mistake was enormous, leading to permanent consequences

I've been thinking about the Order of the Phoenix and how horrified they were by Severus Snape's actions in Book 6. How could he do such a thing? How could he betray them like that? (Of course, in Snape's case, ironically we learn in book 7 that the events in Book 6 weren't a betrayal, but he did truly betray someone in the past, and that--what he did to Lily--is really what shaped his life.) I've been thinking about Steve's actions in comparison to Severus' story arc. In the essay, I said that to correct a huge mistake, you need four things: remorse, courage, the willingness to seize the opportunity to correct your mistake as soon as it comes, and humility. From what I've read about Steve's comments about the case, he's lacking that first crucial element, remorse. As sad as he is about the bad feelings that have resulted, the broken friendships, he doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

I realized, as I was mulling this all over, that I'm still looking back with grief at my relationship with msscribe, who was on my innermost friends lock until her perfidy in the Harry Potter fandom was revealed over at the bad penny journal at journalfen. It gnawed at me for months. I missed her friendship, even as I was angry at her. And it badly shook my confidence in my own ability to accurately assess other people. How could I have considered someone who would do such things a good friend? How could I still miss someone who had the type of character to hurt people so badly?

Tell me about a case where you felt betrayed by someone. Were you able to forgive?

Or--even harder--tell me about an incident where you betrayed someone. What happened? Why did you do it? Were you ever able to change course and mend the relationship again? What did you learn?

Comments

[dreamflower]

I was betrayed a few months back by two people I considered friends. I mended the fences by a lot of grovelling (even though *I* was the one wronged) because I couldn't bear the idea of being on the outs with one of them. Her (person one), I have forgiven; I have set things aside regarding the second person, and on the surface am polite and cordial with her. She probably thinks that I've really forgiven her--but I'm not that good of a person.

But because this second person continues to exhibit this sort of behavior to others, I can't *forget*.

And I am afraid I can't really *trust* either of them again. This saddens me, because I was very close to person one before person two interfered.

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

Tell me about a case where you felt betrayed by someone. Were you able to forgive?
Probably in the past. I honestly don't remember many cases where somebody betrayed me - thankfully. I've felt betrayed by L at times, but we always talked it through and I forgave him. I'm still not able to forgive S though... don't know if I ever will be. Oh, I'm not actively mad at her any longer - actually hardly think about her at all, but if I met her I doubt I could be civil, and to me that says I haven't forgiven her.

Or--even harder--tell me about an incident where you betrayed someone. What happened? Why did you do it? Were you ever able to change course and mend the relationship again? What did you learn?
In high school I'd made an arrangement to go see a certain movie with a friend. It wasn't a fixed date just an "I'd like to see that movie." "Yeah, I'd like to see it too - let's go together". I completely forgot though, so when some other friends asked "Hey, we're going to see that movie today, wanna come", I went along and didn't think twice about it. She was PISSED and though I think she overreacted somewhat, I can't exactly blame her for being mad. It took a week or so of her not talking to me at all, but then we fortunately made up. Our friendship was never exactly the same again, but we did become closer again after awhile.

[mayakda.livejournal.com]

I think trust rebuild slowly, if at all, and requires that both people interact in a safe, neutral way to allow it to rebuild.
Forgiveness, I think, gets confused with not being angry. The person who was wronged has a right to be angry; after that anger has been faced, addressed, the wrong righted ... then maybe one can forgive.But maybe that just means I'm not very Christian.:)

Off the cuff

[teacherla.livejournal.com]

To me, forgiveness has a great deal to do with putting aside anger, choosing not to be emotionally involved with that person any longer. Anger is often the indirect result of thinking the other person holds the same standards as you do; it's the betrayal of these standards that can make us feel personally assaulted. Unfortunately, if you still have to deal with that person--for work or other reasons--anger can return. I don't think that forgiveness generally means that you return to the original state of trust and openness--betrayal leaves a scar. Mistakes can be genuinely forgotten, betrayal never--but even betrayal can be forgiven insofar as you choose to think less of that person. --It's a harsh moral universe.

[abstract-me.livejournal.com]

I have a sister who is ten years older than me. Out of my three siblings, she was the one I always wanted for a babysitter, the one I begged for bedtime stories, the one I followed around endlessly (the other two were boys, which might explain something.)

When I was about six and she was sixteen, she and our mother had a huge altercation. She wanted to drop out of high school and get married, and my mother was four-square against this. They fought endlessly about this for two years until my sister turned eighteen and walked out without looking back. Even though I had nothing to do with their fights, she cut contact with me completely.

I was absolutely certain I would hate her forever, until she called me out of the blue about a month ago. She'd gotten back in touch with all the rest of the family last year (she'd left me to last, for some reason) so I knew it was coming, but I wasn't ready to talk to her so I didn't pick up the phone. I still haven't decided if or when I plan on calling her back...

I think part of it has to do with how little I was at the time of her leaving - I was too young to get what was going on or why it wasn't my fault, or to really process my emotions in regards to it... so yeah, I haven't forgiven yet. I might try to though.

[msavi.livejournal.com]

I consider myself a pretty fiercely loyal person. I can't recall an instance in which I've betrayed anyone, although I suppose that doesn't mean it's never happened. A lot has to do with point of view.

Case in point, my best friend in my pre-teen and teenage years seemed to slowly decide that I was too boring and wanted to hang out with my younger sister instead. From my perspective, this was a very hurtful betrayal. But I doubt she saw it that way; I think she probably figured she was only adding my sister into her group of friends rather than replacing me. It sure didn't feel that way to me, however. Did I forgive her for it? Well...I don't hate her or think poorly of her. I remember our friendship fondly. But when she moved into my neighbourhood acting all chummy again, I wasn't very keen on the idea and I think my lack of enthusiasm hurt her feelings. She might have even considered that a betrayal on my part. However, I don't think I was holding back because of a grudge. I believe it was more a desire not to let history repeat itself. Perhaps if I'd taken the opportunity to start a new friendship with her, we could've captured some aspects of our old friendship as well. But the idea that she'd find a new friend and suddenly deem me unworthy again...I was not willing to invest the time, effort and emotions. To me, that's not a lack of forgiveness. It's just plain common sense.

[snippy]

I think every adult in my life (family and friends) has betrayed me at least once.

In order for someone to betray you, you have to have expectations about their behavior. I work on that end, having very few expectations and always allowing that the worst might happen and considering how that would affect me, before giving someone a chance to betray me.

The worst case, the one I've had the most trouble healing, is that after I divorced my first husband, my mother chose him over me. She invited him and our children to family gatherings, not me. She told me I wasn't good enough for him, and that I didn't deserve such a good man. But she's dead now, and I don't think about it much these days.

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

I've been reading a ton of fanfiction about Severus Snape

Heh. So glad to have expanded your options in literary fiction. ;-) Now it appears I'll have to write a story in which Severus learns to forgive himself for being human. *ahem*

You know, I read the posts in question, including the one you deleted and a bunch of comments on that post, and my thought has been that you really are WAY too hard on yourself. I know you don't need me to tell you that, but I have a knack for stating the obvious, so there it is. In particular, it occurred to me that, from what I've gotten to know of you, satire is not your natural stomping ground, so it's natural (and not at all surprising) that you would take a satirical article at face value. And when the subject of the satire is something near and dear to your heart, that only magnifies the effect. Even I, whose childhood hero was Groucho Marx (!!!), have completely missed satirical intent if a topic hit too close to home for me to catch the intended humor. So hell, Peg, it happens. And you're not exactly the first person to speak ill of Ivy League schools. You are eminently forgivable, for this and for whatever other transgressions you may be choosing not to share.

Tell me about a case where you felt betrayed by someone. Were you able to forgive?

That subject would take a lot longer than what's left to me in this comment space ;-) but I've had a couple of online "friends" who turned against me, not just dropped off f-list out of boredom but went from chumminess to scumminess, for reasons ultimately known only to them because they declined to explain. Probably my ultimate pet peeve is when people evade and refuse to address things openly with the people concerned. I can handle disagreement and drifting apart; I can't handle manipulation and evasion. 'Tis full of lose.

There is also a more personal betrayal that took place a couple of years ago, which I wrote about on my LJ. If you want to read it, I'll dig up the link and send it your way.

On the Steve Vander Ark issue, I have another LJ friend who feels just as strongly--and expresses it just as politely and respectfully--that Steve is not in the wrong, and is frustrated by the slamming she gets from people who think he is. Myself, I've not been involved enough to take a "side"--too busy posting about racism and patriarchy and Ceiling Cat, you know--but it's been interesting bouncing between the two of you as you post!

[cesario.livejournal.com]

I didn't know you'd been a friend of msscribe's---I'm so sorry. I imagine that after that, betrayal would be a sore spot with you.

My own experience with betrayal was...fundamental to the development of my character, but a bit involved to explain, so I'll just skip to the important part and say that I didn't forgive so much as I just got bored of not-forgiving. I was too alone and too young to cope with the enormity of my grief, and hatred supplanted it quite effectively for awhile; the pleasure I derived from that hatred was the only pleasure I had in life, while it lasted. But time went on and my life became a different thing and I found new joys and different pains and eventually that quick little core of hatred in my mind became...irrelevant. And that, I think, is what I think forgiveness really is---a state of mind that allows you to think about your betrayer with a sort of benign indifference.

But all of that is a product of the passage of time, and you can wait patiently for it to happen, but you still have choices to make in the mean time. I think "forgive and forget" is a myth. You can't choose to forget, really, and you can't choose how you feel. The only thing you can really choose is your behavior, your actions and inactions. Therefore, if you mean to deal with a person in a spirit of forgiveness, you can choose to be guided by whatever ethical principles guide your treatment of everyone else---in other words, prevent your feelings, as much as possible, from having any influence on your actions, without pretending they aren't there.

THIS IS TOTALLY EASY AND ALSO FUN, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. :-D

I would tell you about a time when I betrayed someone, but none present themselves to my recollection. I think this is because I've had so few relationships in my life, and none truly intimate enough for real betrayal. So there's something to be thankful for---that you keep yourself open enough to experience boths heights and depths. :-)

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I spent an hour or so thinking about outstandingly bad behavior I've been party to, and framing the actions of myself and others in various ways, and then I decided I wasn't completely sure what "betray" meant, so I looked it up.

The one source I checked offered:

• be disloyal to (one's country, organization, or ideology) by acting in the interests of an enemy
• treacherously inform an enemy of the existence or location of (a person or organization)
• treacherously reveal (secrets or information)
• (figurative) reveal the presence of; be evidence of

So now, none of the examples I had in mind seem to fit that definition. It is not my intention to provide nit-picking pedantry in place of an answer here, even if I seem to be doing so. I guess the examples I came up with were times when the behavior in question was antithetical to what was wanted, expected, and/or a community standard, and that this is the sort of thing you are asking about.

Leaving aside the tricky definition of "community standard", I'd have to say that there have been times when my behavior has caused a surprise crisis of confidence and for some of those instances, that damage has never been repaired. There have been times when others' behavior has damaged my confidence in them, and I have endeavored to accept that and move forward, but I have limited success in doing so. I do have some real successes at forgiveness, I am glad to say, and I do not require any particular action from the person who has done the damage, e.g. a heart-to-heart talk or an apology. There are times when I've gotten that, and it's helped. There are times when I've gotten that and it's not helped.

So there you are. Example-free, because examples only serve to activate one's judgment.

K.

[(Anonymous)]

my betrayal is so unspeakable...

i had it typed out and thought better of sending it.

i only hope that with time people will forgive me.

and that, somehow, i can forgive myself.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I don't have much to offer personally, but the absolute best thing I've read about forgiveness recently was this post and its comments. One of the comments also linked to this very wise sermon, which I liked enough to bookmark.

[(Anonymous)]

My mother and father divorced when I was 6. When I was about 9 years old, my father entered into a serious relationship with a woman named Barb. They never married, but I considered her my stepmother in every sense of the word. Her two daughters were the sisters I had always wanted. I've never had a particularly great relationship with my actual mother, but I always had a good one with Barb. She and my dad were wildly in love - it was plainly obvious. She called him her soul mate. When I was 13, my father died very unexpectedly. It was February. In November, Barb was engaged and living with another man.

I'm 19 now, 20 in August. I still haven't forgiven her, and have not spoken to her at all since I heard of her hasty engagement, nor do I particularly care to.