Peg Kerr's Journal

My pastor read the list below at church today, which is yet another reason why my church rocks. I was so impressed with it that when I came home I went hunting for the woman who originally wrote it, a blogger named Amy Young at her blog The Messy Middle. From her original post:

A few years ago I sat across from a woman who told me she doesn’t go to church on Mother’s Day because it is too hurtful. I’m not a mother, but I had never seen the day as hurtful. She had been married, had numerous miscarriages, divorced and was beyond child bearing years. It was like salt in mostly healed wounds to go to church on that day. This made me sad, but I understood.

Fast forward several years to Mother’s Day. A pastor asked all mothers to stand. On my immediate right, my mother stood and on my immediate left, a dear friend stood. I, a woman in her late 30s, sat. I don’t know how others saw me, but I felt dehumanized, gutted as a woman. Real women stood, empty shells sat. I do not normally feel this way. I do not like feeling this way. I want no woman to ever feel this way in church again.

Last year a friend from the States happened to visit on Mother’s Day and again the pastor (a different one) asked all mothers to stand. As a mother, she stood and I whispered to her, “I can’t take it, I’m standing.” She knows I’m not a mother yet she understood my standing / lie.

Here’s the thing, I believe we can honor mothers without alienating others. I want women to feel welcome, appreciated, seen, and needed here in our little neck of the body of Christ.

Do away with the standing. You mean well, but it’s just awkward. Does the woman who had a miscarriage stand? Does the mom whose children ran away stand? Does the single woman who is pregnant stand? A.w.k.w.a.r.d.

2. Acknowledge the wide continuum of mothering.

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

My Mothers Day was excellent. All day long, I meant to get online and compose a touching and heartfelt paean, not only to my and Rob's mothers, but to all mothers and their children, all caregivers, male and female, to those who had lost their mothers, to those who have lost their children, to those estranged from their mothers or children, to adoptees and their birth and adoptive mothers and their families, to all those trying to become mothers and/or adopt, to mothers-in-spirit, and end with a rhetorical flourish, invoking Mother Earth.

But somehow I never got around to it. Sorry. Consider yourself all honored anyway.

You are invited to fill in the blanks, making it as touching and profound as you can.

We ended up at Old Country Buffet, a restaurant we prize chiefly because it offers many things that all of us will eat. We stopped at Target and got a bunch of old movies, mostly from the 80s, that we though the girls would enjoy (Splash, Dirty Dancing, Footloose, etc.)

Delia is still somewhat sore, particularly in her feet and knees (I suspect she may have broken some capillaries in her feet during back leg thrust kicks to the pad) and was just generally a little wibbly and vulnerable all weekend, probably understandable after her huge physical blowout Friday night. I hope to learn tonight whether she passed the screening.

I hope you all had a lovely Mother's Day. I did. We didn't do a full celebration since Delia is not with us, but Rob and Fiona fixed me a pancake breakfast, and they had bought a lovely spring tablecloth with matching napkins, so the table looked very pretty.

We will go out to brunch when Delia gets back to town. I have a gift certificate to the Nicollet Island Inn, and they serve a wonderful brunch. I talked to my mom, Rob's mom and Rob's step-mom.

To all mothers, surrogate mothers, adoptive mothers, mothers who have given their children for adoption, bereaved mothers, those who are about to become mothers, those who are trying to become mothers, and motherly-type people, this day is for you. I hope you had a good one like I did.