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pegkerrRemember this entry? I'm sorta back there again. Except more so.
I've written and erased an entry here about three times. Been tinkering with it all day and getting more and more frustrated. I want to be able to talk freely here, I want to be able to say what I need to say. But I can't, and it's really, really frustrating me.
Part of the problem is obvious, and can certainly be said aloud. I can't do karate, which is driving me absolutely crazy, and my husband has been out of work for a fricking year. A bad combination for a woman with a predisposition for depression.
Part of it has to do with someone else's medical issues. Which, as Aslan says, isn't my story to tell.
Part of it has to do with the private stuff between a husband and a wife. Which, you know, should remain private.
Part of it has to do with the stuff Elinor Dashwood's been processing the past couple of months. I keep thinking I've dealt with it, put it away, and it keeps stealing back. And the situation isn't resolved yet, so silence seems to me to be the only ethical policy.
Silence isn't natural to me, really. I like to talk, it's natural for me to reach out to others, especially when I'm hurting. And I'm hurting an awful lot right now. But I'm protecting other people by being silent. That's an ethical choice I feel I have to make.
Just now, it's so very hard. Which is why this journal has been quiet lately. I'm doing my best to maneuver around the ice bergs in the water, and keep my ship from sinking, and it keeps me from spending much time adding to the captain's log, so to speak.
Edited to add: There are people I'm talking with about this stuff, I hasten to add. I'm not cut off from being able to speak about these things I'm struggling with entirely. There are people who care about me who are helping me address each one of these issues.
I'm just saying that I can't talk about it here in this journal, which I'm finding immensely frustrating, because my journal has been a reflection of my true self, and now, necessarily, I'm leaving out what I'm thinking about the most.
I've written and erased an entry here about three times. Been tinkering with it all day and getting more and more frustrated. I want to be able to talk freely here, I want to be able to say what I need to say. But I can't, and it's really, really frustrating me.
Part of the problem is obvious, and can certainly be said aloud. I can't do karate, which is driving me absolutely crazy, and my husband has been out of work for a fricking year. A bad combination for a woman with a predisposition for depression.
Part of it has to do with someone else's medical issues. Which, as Aslan says, isn't my story to tell.
Part of it has to do with the private stuff between a husband and a wife. Which, you know, should remain private.
Part of it has to do with the stuff Elinor Dashwood's been processing the past couple of months. I keep thinking I've dealt with it, put it away, and it keeps stealing back. And the situation isn't resolved yet, so silence seems to me to be the only ethical policy.
Silence isn't natural to me, really. I like to talk, it's natural for me to reach out to others, especially when I'm hurting. And I'm hurting an awful lot right now. But I'm protecting other people by being silent. That's an ethical choice I feel I have to make.
Just now, it's so very hard. Which is why this journal has been quiet lately. I'm doing my best to maneuver around the ice bergs in the water, and keep my ship from sinking, and it keeps me from spending much time adding to the captain's log, so to speak.
Edited to add: There are people I'm talking with about this stuff, I hasten to add. I'm not cut off from being able to speak about these things I'm struggling with entirely. There are people who care about me who are helping me address each one of these issues.
I'm just saying that I can't talk about it here in this journal, which I'm finding immensely frustrating, because my journal has been a reflection of my true self, and now, necessarily, I'm leaving out what I'm thinking about the most.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-06-30 08:29 pm (UTC)