A tragedy

[pegkerr]

This story--and especially the picture of the father--absolutely broke my heart.

I can't give the family anything but heartfelt sympathy. Every parent knows how thin the line is that we walk between life as usual and making a mistake that has consequences you will never recover from.

I hope that their family stays intact after this tragedy, and may God be with them as they mourn their loss.

Edited to add: I cross posted this in badparents here and it has generated a large amount of comments, if people would like to see what others are saying.

Comments

[ceilidh]

I feel awful for them... but I just don't understand how someone could forget where their child is. I routinely have parents who forget to pick up their children after school... 'Oh, I forgot to pick her up.' How??? I can't comprehend it at all.

[ladylisse.livejournal.com]

That's what I was thinking. I feel horrible for the family, but I can't understand that at all. My baby sister is more than six years younger than me and I watched her a lot -- and I always, always made sure I knew where she was when she was little. At the time I put it down to me being paranoid, but...yeah.

Yes!

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

That's the thing. As the mother of two children I can understand it.

Remember, the baby was three and a half months old. That probably means that everyone in that household was suffering from sleep deprivation. And she was a second child, which meant even more sleep deprivation. I understand it perfectly. Since you're in a sleep-deprived haze, there is a lot of what you do as a parent in those early months that you do on automatic pilot. After all, it so quickly becomes so easy, so routine, that it becomes mindless, and after all, you have so much else to think about. Do you need to remember to pick up diapers at Target? Did you remember to pull the meat out to defrost? Is today the doctor's appointment, or is that tomorrow? You get in the car, strap the child in, drive to wherever it is that you are going, all the while thinking of something else. I think it significant that the article pointed out that the father's regular routine had been disrupted because of a wife's change in his schedule.

Yeah, I know deep down in my bones exactly how this mistake could have happened. I've operated on automatic pilot myself, and I know that it feels like. That's what makes the story so deeply frightening, and so very sad. There's no doubt in the world that this father loved his child. I'm sure that he can't believe that he did it, and that's why it hurts so to see him grieving. Such a simple thing, such a little moment of inattention, and it cost him his child's life.

I can see myself in his shoes, very easily. I've never left my child unattended in a hot car. But I do remember once strapping her into the car seat but failing to put the center seatbelt over the car seat, so the car seat was unrestrained. I only discovered it when I got to my destination.

I think there are many other parents who can tell you--there but for the grace of God go I. And that's why I think that family is really going to need God's grace in the days to come.

Re: Yes!

[ladylisse.livejournal.com]

I get that, which is what scares me so much. My mom had the three of us in a span of six and a half years, so for a while all of us were too little to be in school or unsupervised at all. Even though my mother was one of the most careful and protective people I've ever met, I still remember a couple of times when a gate got left open or someone almost didn't get buckled in.

I think that's why the knee-jerk reaction was "I don't understand!" I'm incredibly protective of my sister, and this brought back all the times when I would watch her to make sure she didn't choke on something or crawl off while my mom went to get the laundry or whatever. It's too easy for me to imagine what could've happened if I'd been distracted by something and looked away.

Re: Yes!

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

But what if you hadn't been there? And who watched you when your mother did the laundry when you were a baby? Every parent has to keep the household running while raising kids. Much as we might like to never have to do anything other than watch the baby, life doesn't work that way.

Re: Yes!

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I can understand it, too. In fact, I find it hard to imagine a parent not being able to understand it.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

There are plenty of them over here at badparents, where I had cross posted.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I think that's denial, the it-couldn't-happen-to-me that we all do now and then.

Re: Yes!

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

I think the important difference here is that you never did this, even though you sensed it was possible! I suspect they left out some important information, such as the father is mentally disabled or something. I mean, I have forgotten to pick up Hope from doggie daycare once, but ran over just as they were closing shop. A child? I mean, sheesh, the guy must be a bit off. People should need to apply for child-rearing licenses!

Chris

Re: Yes!

[amandageist.livejournal.com]

I am a fourth child, the only girl, and was much the special baby of the family. My parents were attentive and loving. But still--there is a family story of how, after Sunday school one day, each of my brothers and my parents got their designated Baby Thing to Carry and trooped off to the car. Nobody remembered *me.* They had all the stuff, though. Mom had to run back to the nursery.

And my husband, who is one of the most devoted fathers I know of--has at least twice shown up at the house without our youngest, and looked at me blankly when I asked where Michael was, and had to go back to our caregiver's house to fetch him.

My older son has gone outside when I was not aware, and gotten into our car and shut the door, on a Texas summer day. I found him shortly thereafter and probably scared the hell out of him with the intensity of my reaction.

It can happen. It can happen to anyone who has more than one thing to think about. It *does* happen, all the time, and since most times it's not fatal, it either doesn't register or is quickly forgotten. Or it's avoided; I still get sick to my stomach remembering that pinata-swing that I saw pass less than an inch from my older son's face, as he eluded my grasp to dart forward. I don't *want* to remember it.

There's much we're not told. Maybe the mom put the baby in the car for the dad, so he didn't have that "unfinished action" mental tickler. Maybe she only thought he heard her, when she was reminding him what he needed to do that day. I often have to repeat, or ask for verbal confirmation, simply because we have a lot of details to remember.

From what I read, this was their second child. The increase in confusion in life, going from one to two, is *far* more than twice as much. And three months old? Nobody's sleeping much or thinking clearly.

I couldn't sleep, after reading that. There but for the grace of God.

~Amanda

Re: Yes!

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

I have nightmares all the time that I've forgotten to pick my son up from school or an activity, or that he was to be dropped off at home, but I've forgotten come home. It hasn't ever happened, but as a parent, I understand and fear how easy it is for something like that to happen.

I used to think that this only happened with irresponsible, deficient, terrible parents, but now I realize that a prerequisite for being a good parent isn't as simple as being a responsible, logical, and loving adult. As a parent, there are a million things vying for your immediate attention, add any kind of stress, or change in routine, and anything can happen.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Yes, but when you were watching your baby sister you weren't doing it 24-7, while also working a full-time job and taking care of another kid and keeping a household going. It makes a big difference.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Dear gods... that's just awful.

[kishmish.livejournal.com]

That's so utterly sad. God, it's scary how much responsibility there is in something so common as having a child. Or is it scarier that something with so much responsibility is so common?

Wow...

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Oh, gads... I flashed onto something that happened to my brother, Jeff & his wife a few years back. They're dairy farmers, and after school their two boys would spend the afternoon with their maternal grandma (she and Carrie's dad both live on the farm). Anyway, the kids decided to go back to their house, sneak into my brother's office, get at his guns, load them... That's when Jeff walked in. He was so upset with himself - he'd had the door locked, but it was only with a "eye-hook" set up that he'd thought was safe because it was well over the boy's heads, plus the safeties were on, and they were unloaded...

Anyway, he got rid of all the guns but one.

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

I am not a parent, first off, so I don't know what it's like, but all of the parents I do know have their kids' car seats in the back seat, so that they can glance in the rear view mirror and check on them. It's hard to believe he drove all the way to work, never once looking in the rearview mirror, nor even looking at the car when he locked it and walked away. I feel bad for him, yes, and I know that divorce is very, very common after the death of a child, but if you're that sleep-deprived, then maybe you shouldn't be driving in the first place.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

You can't necessarily see a car seat from the rear-view mirror, depending on how it's adjusted. It was out of this man's routine for him to take the baby to day care.

Sure, maybe he shouldn't have been driving if he was sleep-deprived. But what was he supposed to do? Maybe he should have stayed home, lost his job, and tried to raise his family on welfare. How often have you volunteered to take care of a baby or toddler so that a sleep-deprived parent could take even a nap?

None of our older three kids slept through the night regularly until they were nearly 4 years old. I was sleep-deprived for 9 years.

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Having kids is a huge responsibility and, like I said, I've never been a parent. I've been a nanny, and have often babysat for my cousins so that they could get a nap. I've run errands for them, when they were too tired to even function. I don't think he should have stayed home and gone on welfare; of course not. It's just that all of the parents I know have said there's no way they could forget the baby--quite a few of them put post-it notes on the steering wheel whenever there was a change in the routine. I feel sorry for the family--no matter what, the fact remains that this is a tragedy.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Bless you for having helped out tired parents. A lot of people who don't have kids never think of it.

It's just that all of the parents I know have said there's no way they could forget the baby

People say there's no way they could do a lot of things, but sometimes we just don't want to think that we could, don't want to imagine the possibility. In these comments alone there are at least two experienced parents (pegkerr and I) who say we can imagine how this could happen. Humans are human, and that doesn't change because they're parents.

The Post-its are a great idea.

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine how much responsibility it is to be a parent. To be responsible for a life--I have cats, yes, and they are my kids, but they also aren't totally dependent on me as a baby would be. Being a parent is scary, and you have to admire it.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Yeah, being a parent is scary, but we forget that most of the time, which is probably a good thing for the species, or we'd never manage to reproduce and raise the next generation.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I think that most humans forget most of the time just how fragile life is. We couldn't function otherwise.

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

I looked at the picture, and had to close the link without reading anything other than the headline. It broke my heart, and it scared me, because I can too easily see how it could happen. I'm going to have nightmares about this.

[vass]

*mourns*

This is why I'd make a terrible mother. I mean, leaving aside all the emotional issues, but it's all I can do to remember to feed myself and my pets, and make sure they have water and clean shelter. Something as fragile and helpless and complex in its needs as a human infant? I couldn't do it, and I greatly admire those who can.

That poor, poor man.

[mareklamo.livejournal.com]

There are too many stories like this. Which leads me to wonder if it is possible to have some sort of mechanical device that will remind you "BABY STILL IN CAR". Some kind of switch that sets itself automatically. Humans are fallible - technology can help.

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I agree; I completely understand it happening.

What's interesting to me is how this is a side-effect of another safety measure. Babies are not supposed to be strapped into the front passenger seat; it's too dangerous for them up there. So they're in the back, where they're easier to forget.

Now I don't mean to imply that putting the back is a mistake--the risk of accidents is far greater than the risk of forgetting--but it is interesting how protecting against one threat exacerbates another.

B