From Twitter 08-10-2009

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Hearts of flesh and stone

There is a situation I haven't been talking about, that, as I've hinted, has been preoccupying Elinor Dashwood. A lot. It's a large part of the reason I haven't been posting much. I've tried to draft a post to explain at least a half dozen times. But I haven't been able to [Edited to add: I'm wrong. I did previously, on June 30], and it's extremely frustrating. Some of the circumstances I feel really must remain private, which makes explanations difficult. Almost impossible.

I went to the Powderhorn Art Fair this weekend and spent $25 I didn't have on a beautiful dichroic blue heart pendant. I had just been saying to Rob that this situation has a lot of the earmarks of a heart of flesh/heart of stone story.

The best I can do to explain is to say, you see (although there are reasons I'm keeping this private) I received a blow several months back. One of the worst ever. Take my word on it. And I have been just reeling ever since, although I have been trying desperately to act, on the surface, as if absolutely nothing has happened. I think, as a result, I've been struggling with the temptation to turn my heart of flesh into a heart of stone.

I've always valued the heart of flesh more. It felt more human, more true, more ethical, even. But oh, it is so much more vulnerable. It hurts, hurts, hurts so much more than the heart of stone ever could. I had forgotten how much more. There are times that you feel like such a fool for having a heart of flesh in a world like this. How much easier it would be to replace the heart with unyielding stone so that one can't feel hurt or betrayal!

Anyway, I know that sounds vague, but that's what I've been doing. That's why I've been quiet. I've been coping with and trying to hide the pain that keeps welling up. Trying to mop up the heart's blood dripping on my shoes. And some days are better than others and I start to think I'm getting over it and I'll be all right. But then the pain comes back. Shouldn't I be over this by now? And I get angry all over again and think, how much easier the heart of stone would be! And I wrestle with temptation all over again.

As I've been struggling with this, I'll admit I've paid less attention to decreasing world suck. I guess I'm caught up in trying to decrease personal life suck instead. And on top of the pain I've been feeling, there's guilt about that, too.

I hope I'll be able to resolve this and come back again, with my heart of flesh still intact. I want to do so. I miss you all dreadfully.

It's just really hard right now. I'm sorry.

Anyway, that's the best I can do at explaining. I think I will go ahead--with some trepidation--and actually post this one. I won't be able to answer much in the way of questions, though.

In other news, life continues to suck in other ways. Rob still doesn't have a job, and I'm feeling increasingly desperate. I'm going to begin looking for a nights and weekend additional job if he doesn't have anything by September 1. I'm fighting depression and mostly losing.

Edited to add: I am getting professional help, from people I can talk freely with about this. And a few--very few--private friends and family. This is just an explanation on why I've been remote, here, at my online journal.

Edited to add again: I guess I did manage to post one of those posts I'd struggled so to draft, back on June 30, so this is more or less a repeat of that. I'd forgotten. My brain hasn't been working very well lately.

Interesting quiz on personal views

My Political Views
I am a left moderate social libertarian
Left: 5.92, Libertarian: 1.87

Political Spectrum Quiz



My Foreign Policy Views
Score: -3.93

Political Spectrum Quiz


My Culture War Stance
Score: -5.67

Political Spectrum Quiz

I suspect Nargles

peacockharpy posted this picture in a comment to my hearts of stone entry, and it delighted me so much I have to cross-post it here.

I think this ("I suspect Nargles") may become a new family catch-phrase.

Useful site for pricing car repairs

Found this on Twitter. Original link is here:

David Sturtz has created a car tool that you use on car repairmen. It's the kind of a wrench you throw into the plans of any unscrupulous mechanic who intends to overcharge you.

Mr. Sturtz is a founder and the chief executive of RepairPal, a Web site (and an iPhone app) that culls several databases to estimate how much a specific car repair should cost where you live. (For body work, there is the Web site DentBetty, which the Bits blog wrote about on Monday.)

( Read more here )

Bookmark this. It should prove useful.