A hard decision, a new life stage

Last night, I drove to the dojo to talk with Mr. Sidner. "I've come to talk to you about the contracts."

He nodded. "I had a hunch you would be."

I haven't been back to class for a couple of months. The last time I attempted a class, I left after five minutes in tears.

I'm fifty-one years old. I don't like sparring; I've never liked it. After I got the black belt, I took a break of several weeks and when I got back I discovered my hard-won balance had deteriorated again. Black belts are supposed to be able to balance during slow kicks. I have tremendous difficulty doing so, especially when I'm standing on the right leg. The knee continues to give me problems, and it's getting harder and harder to get up off the floor. I'm worried about continued injuries.

So I stayed away and thought about it. Fiona's off to college, and she feels she can't do karate at our dojo while she's doing college, even though she's in town (she does intend to investigate the martial arts club there on campus). It's not so much fun to go when I'm all by myself. Rob's tired of doing the cleaning, and I'm tired of doing the belt test pictures.

I'm tired.

So, with tears in my voice, I told him, "I am ready for a break. Maybe I'll come back some day." Maybe. I don't know.

"You can always come back," he told me warmly. "But I could tell that you were finding this harder and harder physically. I will cancel the rest of the contracts. If Fiona wants to come back in the summer, I'll work something out with her, maybe exchanging teaching for lessons."

I realize I have put off saying anything here to you, friends list. Almost a weird sense that I would be letting you down if I walked away now. I had worked so hard to get to this point! How could I give up now? But I know deep down that's not true, of course. I know you were all so proud and happy for me when I got my black belt. And I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I achieved something positively terrific that no one can ever take away from me. I am a karate black belt. But I can't pretend that I want to continue, at least right now.

I had sensed it, when we were on our little retreat to Washington Island. It's not giving up, exactly; it's that I'm simply moving into a new life stage. I'm changing.

I don't know what the future holds.

Karate has been wonderful, but I believe it's now time to take the gifts it has given me and move on. I will always be incredibly grateful to Mr. Sidner, both for being a fantastic teacher to me and the girls and for helping us work out a way to continue when we didn't have any money. I do need to find a way to stay active, one that doesn't take a lot of money.

I gave Mr. Sidner a big hug. I came home. I hugged Rob and cried. (Many, many thanks are also due to Rob for all the hours spent dealing with cleaning mirrors and mops and Pine Sol. Love you, honey.)

And then I baked myself some gingerbread scones.

Because, you know, I'm a black belt. I damn well deserve them.

(Tell me you still love me, friends list. I could use some cheering up right now.)

What's next?

Now that I'm thinking about this, it's instructive to look back at this post I made back in 2003, about making a life list/bucket list. Here's an excerpt:

If I'm really serious about doing this, it means that if I put something on the list, I mean to be really determined about wanting to do it. Some considerations: I am, perhaps, a bit more limited because I am starting later in life than Zora and John Goddard did, and some things you just can't do in life if you start too late (I'm too old, physically, for example, to become a master gymnast). And some things I might think would be cool, theoretically, but I don't really want to do them, and so there is no reason to put them down. Fly an airplane, or win an Olympic medal comes to mind.

But if I really mean to do this, and address anything I might put down really seriously, then who knows? I might really re-shape drastically the direction of my life.

Life List - first draft
Graduate from college
Get graduate degree
Marry, have children
Write a book and get it published
Study a martial art (which one? How do I decide how proficient should I be before I can check this one off the list?)
Learn how to play Gaelic fiddle
Become proficient in French
Learn how to fire a gun
Run a marathon

I hereby ceremoniously draw a line through the top item on the 2003 list:

Study a martial art

I was right when I wrote that post: devoting myself to an item on the list DID require a drastic reshaping of my life. With karate, that reshaping worked really well for a long time. Now it's time to think about whether I want to reshape my life in new ways. I note that the next item on this list is one I've actually been thinking more and more about lately. Number one problem: cost. I could use Fiona's violin, which she left at home, I suppose, but she says it's even too small for her now. Which means it would be REALLY small for me. So that means renting one, except I really can't afford to do so. Or pay for lessons. And...commitment. Do I really want to do this? Do I want to put in the work? I LOVE Irish music. Does that mean I want to actually buckle down to learning how to do it? Where would I play?

*ponders*

Anyone know anyone locally here in the Twin Cities who teaches gaelic fiddle?

More suggestions for the bucket list, friends list? What might a fify-one year old woman who is trying to stretch herself and continue to be interesting and adventuresome consider exploring?