Glare Report 10/13/04: Research continues; mulling decision trees and (lack of) self-confidence

[pegkerr]

Again, I didn't use my slice of time tonight for writing, but for watching the debate. It was hard on my blood pressure, but I refuse to feel guilty for doing that instead of writing.

I continued reading the Moira Harris book today, finishing the chapter on ice palaces. Never got around to calling the Historical Society about the Olsen book.

I was thinking about decision trees today. I have never had much confidence about plotting; it's the area of writing about which I feel the most hesitancy. I think that one thing that makes writing seem so difficult for me is that I have a hard time a) thinking of plot solutions and b) successfully deciding between plot solutions. Once you decide what you're going to do on a certain plot point, you close off all the other solutions. If I make Jack an architect, it's a different book than if he is the structural engineer. Today, I started actually thinking, well, maybe he doesn't work for the architectural firm at all. Maybe he's, I dunno, an ice carver that Solveig meets.

I know that I increase my angst and increase the work for myself by going back and second-guessing decisions that I've made months ago. I guess this is part of my problem of having an inner critic that is so much more muscular than the inner cheerleader. I think of an idea, and I can see so much more easily what is wrong or cliche or stupid about it than I can see how I have the skill to write it and make it shine, make it speak truth, make it solid and convincing and boffo and the best damned thing I could do to solve that plot problem.

I think I know that my biggest handicap as a writer is lack of self-confidence. I say this with hesitation (with lack of self-confidence!) because it seems somehow . . . unseemly for a writer who has sold books professionally to admit this. But it's absolutely true. It's such a hassle that I doubt myself so much. It makes not just plotting but writing in general so much more difficult. It slows down my production, it causes me endless angst, which after a while gets sooooooo tiresome, it makes me (sometimes) rather agonized and tongue-tied about interacting with other writers and editors, people with whom I should be rights feel comfortable. And I fear (in my worst moments) that after a while it's a tremendous bore to the people who know me, not only to those who love me, but to those who know me only as a friend, or who interact with me as just a fellow writer.

I have been thinking about what I have been mulling over this past month, that I simply have to face the blank page, posting these Glare Reports, admitting that I don't know what the hell I am doing but sitting down every day to do it anyway. If my angsting gets tiresome, as I suspect it does, well, sorry. Feel free to go visit instead the journals of other writers who have a better idea of what they are doing. Come back in a year, and I might not be much further along. But I'm going to keep being honest about it, even this part of myself and my own process that I don't admire at all. And I'll keep trying to write. kijjohnson has said several times that she can hardly believe how nakedly honest I'm being about the whole process in this journal, and I suppose that's true. It may look vulnerable, even ridiculous at times, but being honest here has at least gotten me back to my slow, stumbling process of writing, instead of sitting mute with my hands folded. I hope you will be satisfied with that modest achievement, for now.

Comments

[chamisa.livejournal.com]

Hi--I'm new to Live Journal and to your journal. As an avid reader and proud owner of a copy of Wild Swans, I was thrilled to see that you have a journal here--you and several other writers I admire, like kijjohnson.

Anyway, I've browsed through yours several times now and have really enjoyed reading your thoughts on the writing process and the book you're working on...your writing here in this journal, as in Wild Swans, is beautiful and insightful.

This entry in particular made me want to comment because it was almost like reading something *I* could have written in a lot of ways. I'm a bit nervous to say anything, but I guess I felt inspired to.

I'm not a published novelist like you, but I'm a writer and photographer, and I know that my biggest handicap is also lack of self-confidence. So much so that just saying I'm a writer and photographer almost feels like I'm boasting, like I have no right to say that about myself. But what you said resonated so much with me! and I'm certain that what you said resonates not only with me, but with so many people out there. 'specially about the inner critic being louder than the inner cheerleader, and angst, and second-guessing.

I believe that these issues are really common with creative, artistic people. But not many people openly admit it, for some reason. And I think that a lot of people tend to think of anyone who has seen some success, such as a published novelist, or an artist who has a gallery opening or something of the sort, as a person who no longer has or never even had these kinds of doubts.

Your honesty in talking about it is a gift, I think, not just to yourself, which it is, but to those of us out there who are wrestling with similar demons. I really admire the fact that you push yourself in spite of these doubts, and that you talk about it honestly. If it is helping you, as you say, then you are obviously doing the right thing. :-)

While I'm not glad you're going through these issues, of course, I'm glad that you're sharing them with people out there who may deal with similar feelings, because it could help us as much as it's helping you. If that makes sense.

For example, I've entertained the fantasy of writing a book myself--I'm an avid reader, and I love to write but have been too a)lazy b)full of self-doubts about my talents c)scared to try d)don't seem to have a story inside me dying to come out. Seeing that you, a published author I admire, is dealing with many of the same issues and is writing anyway, really gives me hope, in an if you can do it, I can, sort of way. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well.

I certainly won't stop visiting the journals of other writers who have a better idea of what they're doing. In fact, I'd like to add yours to my Friends list, if that's cool.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

No, you're explaining yourself perfectly clearly. I'm glad that this entry resonates with you, and of course I'd be honored if you'd like to friend me. Thanks.

[chamisa.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that made some sense. And thank *you*. :-)