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pegkerrAgain, I didn't use my slice of time tonight for writing, but for watching the debate. It was hard on my blood pressure, but I refuse to feel guilty for doing that instead of writing.
I continued reading the Moira Harris book today, finishing the chapter on ice palaces. Never got around to calling the Historical Society about the Olsen book.
I was thinking about decision trees today. I have never had much confidence about plotting; it's the area of writing about which I feel the most hesitancy. I think that one thing that makes writing seem so difficult for me is that I have a hard time a) thinking of plot solutions and b) successfully deciding between plot solutions. Once you decide what you're going to do on a certain plot point, you close off all the other solutions. If I make Jack an architect, it's a different book than if he is the structural engineer. Today, I started actually thinking, well, maybe he doesn't work for the architectural firm at all. Maybe he's, I dunno, an ice carver that Solveig meets.
I know that I increase my angst and increase the work for myself by going back and second-guessing decisions that I've made months ago. I guess this is part of my problem of having an inner critic that is so much more muscular than the inner cheerleader. I think of an idea, and I can see so much more easily what is wrong or cliche or stupid about it than I can see how I have the skill to write it and make it shine, make it speak truth, make it solid and convincing and boffo and the best damned thing I could do to solve that plot problem.
I think I know that my biggest handicap as a writer is lack of self-confidence. I say this with hesitation (with lack of self-confidence!) because it seems somehow . . . unseemly for a writer who has sold books professionally to admit this. But it's absolutely true. It's such a hassle that I doubt myself so much. It makes not just plotting but writing in general so much more difficult. It slows down my production, it causes me endless angst, which after a while gets sooooooo tiresome, it makes me (sometimes) rather agonized and tongue-tied about interacting with other writers and editors, people with whom I should be rights feel comfortable. And I fear (in my worst moments) that after a while it's a tremendous bore to the people who know me, not only to those who love me, but to those who know me only as a friend, or who interact with me as just a fellow writer.
I have been thinking about what I have been mulling over this past month, that I simply have to face the blank page, posting these Glare Reports, admitting that I don't know what the hell I am doing but sitting down every day to do it anyway. If my angsting gets tiresome, as I suspect it does, well, sorry. Feel free to go visit instead the journals of other writers who have a better idea of what they are doing. Come back in a year, and I might not be much further along. But I'm going to keep being honest about it, even this part of myself and my own process that I don't admire at all. And I'll keep trying to write.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kijjohnson has said several times that she can hardly believe how nakedly honest I'm being about the whole process in this journal, and I suppose that's true. It may look vulnerable, even ridiculous at times, but being honest here has at least gotten me back to my slow, stumbling process of writing, instead of sitting mute with my hands folded. I hope you will be satisfied with that modest achievement, for now.
I continued reading the Moira Harris book today, finishing the chapter on ice palaces. Never got around to calling the Historical Society about the Olsen book.
I was thinking about decision trees today. I have never had much confidence about plotting; it's the area of writing about which I feel the most hesitancy. I think that one thing that makes writing seem so difficult for me is that I have a hard time a) thinking of plot solutions and b) successfully deciding between plot solutions. Once you decide what you're going to do on a certain plot point, you close off all the other solutions. If I make Jack an architect, it's a different book than if he is the structural engineer. Today, I started actually thinking, well, maybe he doesn't work for the architectural firm at all. Maybe he's, I dunno, an ice carver that Solveig meets.
I know that I increase my angst and increase the work for myself by going back and second-guessing decisions that I've made months ago. I guess this is part of my problem of having an inner critic that is so much more muscular than the inner cheerleader. I think of an idea, and I can see so much more easily what is wrong or cliche or stupid about it than I can see how I have the skill to write it and make it shine, make it speak truth, make it solid and convincing and boffo and the best damned thing I could do to solve that plot problem.
I have been thinking about what I have been mulling over this past month, that I simply have to face the blank page, posting these Glare Reports, admitting that I don't know what the hell I am doing but sitting down every day to do it anyway. If my angsting gets tiresome, as I suspect it does, well, sorry. Feel free to go visit instead the journals of other writers who have a better idea of what they are doing. Come back in a year, and I might not be much further along. But I'm going to keep being honest about it, even this part of myself and my own process that I don't admire at all. And I'll keep trying to write.
kijjohnson has said several times that she can hardly believe how nakedly honest I'm being about the whole process in this journal, and I suppose that's true. It may look vulnerable, even ridiculous at times, but being honest here has at least gotten me back to my slow, stumbling process of writing, instead of sitting mute with my hands folded. I hope you will be satisfied with that modest achievement, for now.![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-13 08:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-13 08:30 pm (UTC)Here I am cheering! If you write twenty-five words tomorrow, I'm going to cheer. If you just read half that ice palace chapter I'm going to cheer. Because those things are real work, and work builds.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 04:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-13 08:58 pm (UTC)I don't think it's a modest achievement. And I think that for writers and non-writers alike, it's also useful. Getting over the self-doubt (which I refer to as "clubbing the internal editor senseless so she'll leave me alone for at least the first draft") is something I struggle with all the time. Sometimes it's easy; sometimes reading someone brilliant drives me over the edge and I can't look at a single word I've written without wanting to throw it all out and Write Really Well.
And, although perhaps this isn't the case for everyone, I've actually found that it's gotten worse over time, and with publication, rather than better <rueful g>.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 04:51 am (UTC)And, although perhaps this isn't the case for everyone, I've actually found that it's gotten worse over time, and with publication, rather than better.
Aw, rats, that's one more thing that goes into my graveyard of buried hopes!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-13 09:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-13 10:42 pm (UTC)Anyway, I've browsed through yours several times now and have really enjoyed reading your thoughts on the writing process and the book you're working on...your writing here in this journal, as in Wild Swans, is beautiful and insightful.
This entry in particular made me want to comment because it was almost like reading something *I* could have written in a lot of ways. I'm a bit nervous to say anything, but I guess I felt inspired to.
I'm not a published novelist like you, but I'm a writer and photographer, and I know that my biggest handicap is also lack of self-confidence. So much so that just saying I'm a writer and photographer almost feels like I'm boasting, like I have no right to say that about myself. But what you said resonated so much with me! and I'm certain that what you said resonates not only with me, but with so many people out there. 'specially about the inner critic being louder than the inner cheerleader, and angst, and second-guessing.
I believe that these issues are really common with creative, artistic people. But not many people openly admit it, for some reason. And I think that a lot of people tend to think of anyone who has seen some success, such as a published novelist, or an artist who has a gallery opening or something of the sort, as a person who no longer has or never even had these kinds of doubts.
Your honesty in talking about it is a gift, I think, not just to yourself, which it is, but to those of us out there who are wrestling with similar demons. I really admire the fact that you push yourself in spite of these doubts, and that you talk about it honestly. If it is helping you, as you say, then you are obviously doing the right thing. :-)
While I'm not glad you're going through these issues, of course, I'm glad that you're sharing them with people out there who may deal with similar feelings, because it could help us as much as it's helping you. If that makes sense.
For example, I've entertained the fantasy of writing a book myself--I'm an avid reader, and I love to write but have been too a)lazy b)full of self-doubts about my talents c)scared to try d)don't seem to have a story inside me dying to come out. Seeing that you, a published author I admire, is dealing with many of the same issues and is writing anyway, really gives me hope, in an if you can do it, I can, sort of way. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well.
I certainly won't stop visiting the journals of other writers who have a better idea of what they're doing. In fact, I'd like to add yours to my Friends list, if that's cool.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 04:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 10:54 am (UTC)World's Stupidest Nitpick
Date: 2004-10-14 04:27 am (UTC)I've never worked on a job where the structural engineer and the architect worked for the same firm. (Of course I have no idea of the time or place of this book, so this may have absolutely no merit.) Anyway, the structural engineer has always worked for a separate consultant - subbed on the project to the architect's firm like the MEP (mechanical/electrical/plumbing) and civil.
If my angsting gets tiresome, as I suspect it does, well, sorry. Feel free to go visit instead the journals of other writers who have a better idea of what they are doing.
Not a bit of it. I admire your ability to face the fear of wondering if you have done the wrong thing and to press on anyway.
Good Luck.
Re: World's Stupidest Nitpick
Date: 2004-10-14 04:47 am (UTC)Haven't quite made up my mind on what role Jack plays.
Glad you haven't given up on me!
Re: World's Stupidest Nitpick
Date: 2004-10-14 05:20 am (UTC)Re: World's Stupidest Nitpick
Date: 2004-10-14 05:38 am (UTC)Re: World's Stupidest Nitpick
Date: 2004-10-14 06:07 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 05:09 am (UTC)One step at a time. You can do it.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 05:35 am (UTC)Meanwhile, with a further two manuscripts winding their way through the bowels of publishing, I'm sorting out the same kind of self-doubt and uncertainty as you are on my current book, with characters changing their backgrounds while I'm 30,000 words into the story. So don't feel like the proverbial Lone Ranger.
Like another post suggested, pull out a club and whack that inner critic over the head. Apply butt to chair and fingers to keyboard. Write. God, ain't word-processors wonderful? You can put out "really shitty first drafts" and then change everything around without resorting to tape and scissors!
(Off to find a bigger club....)
somewhat tangential
Date: 2004-10-14 06:27 am (UTC)i am very much a P, and i know that i always feel safer not having made a decision or completed a project - that means if i find something wrong, or that i decide should be different, i still have the opportunity to go and change it! finalizing things can be really scary; i always feel like once i finalize something, i significantly increase the potential for it to go/be wrong. not necessarily logical or rational, but there it is.
finally - keep in mind that you have not published or even sold your book yet. if you write half the book with jack as an architect, and then decide you don't want that - yeah, it will mean a lot of rewriting and reworking, but you have the freedom to do that. you need to decide on a plot thread to work with - but if that plot thread doesn't work, you can still change it. deciding on something for now, for your writing process, doesn't have to mean deciding on it once, for always, set in stone.
and for what it's worth - i find the idea of jack being 'just' an ice carver really intriguing. it certainly gives him a much more personal, direct, almost visceral sort of connection to the ice palace (as opposed to being an architect, or whatever...). i also think that someone with a perhaps not-entirely-ethical/straightforward mindset and with a magical bent would be more inclined to just take matters into his/her own hands - something that might be easier as an ice carver (who's less noticed) than a high-profile designer type. the personal connection works into that, too.
not that i know anything about ice palaces, the procedure behind constructing them, etc. not that i am certain that is how jack is supposed to end up being characeterized. i'm afraid i cannot remember all of the details you've posted.
but yeah. my nickel's worth. :)
Re: somewhat tangential
Date: 2004-10-14 08:36 pm (UTC)But writing is different. And interesting to think of it this way: maybe that's why it is so often frustrating to me. I want to be a "J" about it, as I am in all the other areas of my life. But my stubborn unconscious, or whatever-it-is that produces the words, refuses to accommodate my "J" schedule. C'mon! I wail. You're supposed to be producing words! But my writing brain refuses to cooperate. It must be the only part of me that's a "P."
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 07:44 am (UTC)but I didn't want to ask if I could friend you until I'd read one of your works...
Having just finished Wild Swans, I wanted to check your LJ again, and you've written a number of entries recently that have resonated with me, including this one...
I myself am a musician and I also use my LJ as a way of describing the creative process, including all the self-doubt that comes out during it...I know for a fact that my inner critic has been one of the factors that keeps me from doing more than I have...so, in some ways, it's encouraging to know that another professional artist has the same problems to overcome and still is able to produce something of quality...
Besides, I'm a big geek and I like finding out the process of how artists work...it's one of the reasons I'm such a big fan of making-of documentaries on DVDs...
Keep the process up...and keep writing about it...and I'll try to do likewise...
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 08:32 pm (UTC)Thanks for your kind words about The Wild Swans. Sure, feel free to friend me, and maybe I'll run into you again soon at
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 08:22 am (UTC)Mom and I ended up watching Storm Stories on the Weather Channel and waiting to read the complete text today.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 12:35 pm (UTC)You don't know me, and I hope you don't mind me chiming in -- I found your LJ through several odd jumps, but I've continued to read it because I find your Glare Reports and other related posts strangely reassuring. I'm also a writer and a mom, have also published two novels and am working on a third which is kicking my ass, and I also feel just about every day of my life that I am a terrible writer and should just give up. Honestly, finding someone else whose life has these resonances with mine is a bit of a treat.
About the decision trees -- as splagxna said, you CAN do it over. This is something I learned to some degree with my second novel, and am learning much more with the current one. You can go all the way back to where you made a decision, take the other road and start again, and yeah it's an awful wrench and makes you feel that you've wasted months/years of your life, but I've seen stories that I thought were dying on me jump to life again when I've done this, and that makes it worthwhile. I have tended to want to have a finished book on the first or second draft -- the first time through I did. But the longer we write, the more complex the challenges we set for ourselves, and the longer and harder the process can become. (Someone who's working on her first novel asked me last month if it got easier as you went along, and I regretfully had to tell her that, no, in my experience it just got harder and harder). I made a wrong decision partway into the current book -- not impossibly wrong, but a decision that took the story in the direction of being less interesting than it might -- and I've had to go back to that point and start again, and there's been a lot of throwing out of material that is, in and of itself, not bad; but also a new jolt of energy, which can only be a good thing.
The other thing I do, which may or may not work for you, is play scenarios in my head a lot. Walk along the different branches of the decision tree and see which one feels the best. The good thing about this is that I can do it while cleaning house or buying groceries or riding the subway or doing any other kind of routine chores that don't engage too much of my mind; it's not confined to the hours that I can get at my desk. It does mean that at certain points I'm living more in a world of fantasy than in the real world, and I have to pull myself out of it pretty forcibly to do things that _do_ require thought. But it's helpful.
Anyway, all I really have to say is, best of luck, and as long as writing these entries helps you, please do, because it helps me to read them.
maggie h
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 08:41 pm (UTC)Glad you found my journal. Will you be setting up a LJ yourself? I'd like to learn about your situation and your books--if you're shy to post about it here, e-mail me at peg@pegkerr.com to tell me about them. Thanks!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-14 07:31 pm (UTC)If I just let all the ideas just float around in my head, they are so many more and so much more confusing and so much harder to juggle into patterns than if I nail them down on paper and look at them.