Karate again: when will this be settled???

[pegkerr]

As I was driving the girls to Fiona's karate lesson, I told Delia that I was going to ask sensei for the paperwork for her karate contract. "But remember," I told her, "we won't sign it until you give me, in writing, a statement that you are committing to taking karate."

She stared at me, and tears started rolling down her face. "I don't know. I'm not sure now if I want to take karate after all."

I can barely believe that I refrained from screaming at her out of sheer frustration. We dropped Fiona off for her lesson, and I talked with Delia some more. She wants to continue. No, she doesn't. She does. She doesn't. She can't make up her mind. In desperation, I asked her whether she wanted to talk to someone else about this, to sensei, or maybe minnehaha K, or kiramartin. Anyone else. No, she didn't. I showed her how to make up a sheet that said, "Pro" or "Con" and invited her to think of factors to put in each column. She didn't want to think about it; she just desperately wanted out of the conversation.

Finally, I took her into a coffee shop and gave her a cup of hot chocolate to calm her down. Then we went to pick up Fiona. Sensei asked to speak with me. "I have a proposal for you," he said. I had shown him some of the entries I had done about karate on my LiveJournal, and he had an idea. "If you will maintain the school website for me--I haven't been able to take care of it for months--I'll give you a reduction on your tuition fees." He named the figure he had in mind, and my jaw dropped. The offer was really very generous.

"Yeah, but I have a problem." I gave a little nod toward Delia. "She's wavering again."

"You're kidding. Well, she shouldn't continue if she isn't sure." He brightened. "But then you could continue."

I took a deep breath, suddenly dizzy with hope. I had ruthlessly tried to extinguish all desire to continue, out of the belief that it was impossible. But suddenly, that latent wish reared up, and I was astonished that it was as strong as ever. I could. I could start taking karate again. I really could! And then I looked at Delia. "But . . . only if she rules it out for herself." When she is incapable of making up her mind.

I have to give her a deadline. I have to make it absolutely clear that if she says no, she can't change her mind. Because if she turns it down, then I have to think about it for myself, and if I accept it, there won't be enough money then for her to continue.

Great. That's all that Delia needs. More pressure.

If she would just make up her bloody mind.

Comments

[brenk.livejournal.com]

I agree. Also, if you make the decision and then get 'but really, I wanted to do the opposite', then your reply is that she should have said so when she had the chance.

I'm a great believer in giving kids SOME choices (and tried to give mine plenty), but she was STILL A KID and thus some choices were simply too hard, too overwhelming, too confusing. The hardest part is deciding when they're old enough to take decision X, I think.

I also think that however positive it is to offer some choices, offering too many gives more the impression that you don't care than the impression that you're being laid back. I may be old-fashioned (I'm 50) but much as I think kids need flexibility and understanding, they also need a few limits. The best way I've ever heard it put is that kids need solid, strong walls to grow up in, but those walls need to be of rubber - as in they give a little when necessary.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Yes, and this is a really heavy choice, because of the financial aspect and all the stuff in the past with Fiona. There's no wonder she's conflicted.

She's not losing anything if she loses a year of karate at her age, especially if she keeps on with the ballet.