If you stopped writing for a long time

[pegkerr]

If you stopped writing for a long time--and I mean a LONG time, on the order of several years--and then managed to start again successfully, I would like to hear a little about your experience. Why did you stop? What did you need to resume? What prompted your resuming? Did you fret about not-writing when you were not writing? Were you afraid that you had given it up for good? When you resumed, how long did it take you to have faith in yourself?

Comments

very long!

[faithhopetricks.livejournal.com]

This got awfully dreadfully long, and I'm embarrassed to leave such a lengthy comment, but this topic is v v close to my heart, so I hope I can ask your leave to go on about it at some length.

I haven't sold any writing in many years, but I had the beginnings of a small lit-career going while I was in grad school, and I've never thought I'd be anything other than a writer (indeed, I'm not v good at anything other than writing). I recently finished the first short story I'd written in _years_ and have v haltingly begun working on my first novel again, so I am Back, altho it's a bit sputtering.

Why did you stop?
I wrote quite frequently until grad school, when I simultaneously suffered 1) a major depressive episode 2) real poverty 3) a major career crisis. That was in 1995-1996. I wound up dropping out of grad school and was v badly depressed for quite a while. I went on medication for the first time, and it took me quite a long time to recover. There were other stoppages, like intense college work and difficulty with personal space when first married, but that was The Big One. Up until that, I had always written and submitted work for publication regularly.

What did you need to resume?
I feel a bit funny writing this out since it is so me-specific ....I needed to quit drinking. I am an alcoholic and had been a v heavy (binge) drinker from 17-31. I also needed to be treated for my depression, with therapy and medz. I also needed to stop waiting for permission or validation that I _could_ start again. I felt v cut off from that former writer-self, from any success at all in fact, and had to sort of start all over again from rock bottom. There was also a tremendous load of guilt and expectations built up I had to simultaneously work through and learn to ignore. I needed to unsubscribe from premium cable channels (and will probably just throw out the TV). I needed to face how miserable not-writing made me. I needed to forgive myself for "failing so badly" (how I always thought of it) over 10 years ago. My husband has always understood I need time for my writing (I have no kids) and been v supportive when I've picked it back up, so in that I have been v v lucky.

What prompted your resuming?
It's v hard to answer that, which is v frustrating. It was _not_ at all a one-time miracle or a Big Spontaneous Epiphany. I started an online blog -- I have always written a journal, ever since I was a young child, and wrote that even when I wrote nothing else (altho that's slackened a bit since I started writing frequently on LJ and I'm not entirely happy about that -- I am trying to rev that back up, too) -- with the feeling that one of the big things blocking me was the idea of someone, anyone else, reading my stuff and not liking it, so I resolved to start writing publicly and it wouldn't matter if anyone else liked it or not. I then found my way to LJ, and attempted to do "NaNo" with a bunch of LJ friends on and off for about 2-3 years. I only "won" once, but their faith in my ability to do it and just the attempt were big steps for me. Finding a lot of other writers on LJ and listening to them talk about writing helped a lot, too. When I "won" NaNo, it was with half a novel-length fanfic that IIRC topped 60,000 words. It was the longest thing I'd written in years. I went on writing some more fanfic, which really rekindled my love of writing _for fun,_ writing because _I_ wanted to, not because I wanted to be published or be famous or be known as A Writer. Regaining that sense of pure play was v important for me. If not for the friendship and support of a lot of people on LJ, I might not even have ever tried again.

CONT

Re: very long!

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for your lengthy and thoughtful reply, which I have read with deep interest. I really do appreciate hearing your perspective; it makes me feel not quite as alone.

Re: very long!

[faithhopetricks.livejournal.com]

Aww, I'm v glad you liked it (I was a bit embarrassed it got _that_ long) and I have been lurkingly reading your writing entries for a while, too. So that not-so-alone feeling is mutual.