Mind

[pegkerr]

I have been thinking about the interior spaces of my own mind, if you will.

I've been feeling self-conscious about this journal. It strikes me as so . . . boring. I have been feeling the same way about my paper journal, too. I have been skipping more and more days, which bothers and worries me. I kept it up so faithfully for so many years. After thirty plus years, why am I leaving more and more blank spaces?

When I was in graduate school, I was enthusiastically engaged in books and literary criticism. I loved, loved, loved it. And we practically starved, and we were getting evicted from our apartment because we couldn't pay the rent. Reluctantly, I left graduate school and had babies and took a soul-sucking job. I developed a career as a writer, and I kept somewhat engaged that way. But now that has peetered out and I'm not a working fiction writer anymore.

A couple of months ago, someone whom I really respected, a well known fantasy editor, unfriended my journal. Yeah, yeah, we all know that "friending" is really an inaccurate term for linking to a journal. How do I know why she wanted my journal off her reading list? Maybe her life got extra busy. Maybe she was moving to a different journal service. Yeah, yeah, it's nothing personal. I know that. For all I know, maybe she's still checking in periodically, even if she doesn't have me friended anymore.

But deep down, at my most childishly insecure level, it gnawed me an inordinate amount that this person I truly respected maybe (maybe?) didn't think I have much that was interesting to say.

This past week, when I was sick, my mind really fell to a low ebb. *mumbles, shuffles feet* I read a lot of fanfic. It felt like eating potato chips--addictive and tasty but not very nourishing.

Now the days are getting darker again. I need to ramp up the exercise again, walk in the sun all that I can. I know that the tenor of my mind is in danger of darkening at this time of year, which makes it difficult to see myself realistically. What do I think about? Fanfic. Karate. School schedules. Chauffeuring. The house. What do I feed the kids tonight that they will deign to choke down. Rob's job hunt. How much I hate George W. Bush.

Oh my god, I even bore myself. How can you people stand me to hear me blather on about this stuff? It is as if for years I have been building a house of the mind. I started something ambitious, but the project has been left unfinished. The kids came along, I took the lousy job, life interfered. Now it feels almost as if the wood is starting to rot and the paint is peeling. The pictures on the wall are faded and cracked, and dust covers everything. I know, dimly, that the house is not a particularly cozy or welcoming place. I'm embarrassed to invite anyone to see it. But I can't quite summon up the energy to make it more of the sort of place I'd like to live.

(Sounds an awful lot like my real house, actually.)

I'm not asking for reassurance, exactly. I'm just thinking out loud, saying that this is what it feels like to me.

And it really bothers me.

Comments

[snippy]

I understand what you're saying, because to some extent I feel that way about my own journal. Over the last year I've had a dozen or more urges to delete the whole thing because I'm just not interested in it, I don't think I'm interesting, and livejournaling doesn't satisfy my social need--it's a poor, second-class substitute that is better than nothing.

But then I remember how much I enjoy reading my friends' journals (that is, the people I actually know as friends), and how much I learn from the journals of people I admire (like you). And then there's a tiny spark of hope that I am in those categories for some of the people who read my journal.

[jbru.livejournal.com]

What you're saying strikes a chord with me. I, too, feel dissatisfied with what I've been saying of late. Primarily because it hasn't been much of anything that seems worth saying. Part of me wonders how I got here? How did I become this person that works a few hours a day at some make-work job (or, more recently, putters around on the net) and then goes home and takes a nap, makes some dinner and goes to sleep?

The only thing that I can offer is that this house of your mind (and mine for that matter) is a construct, a facade, an artifice that can be torn down and rebuilt in any manner you choose. You laid down the foundations long ago and can build upon those as you like. You have the beginnings of a great plan for this as we head into the dark months. Stick with those things you know will get you through this difficult time, get ready for major renovations in the Spring!

[madlori.livejournal.com]

I struggle with this constantly, Peg. Although I'm writing, sometimes it feels like I'm just spinning my wheels, and then I'll kill a whole weekend doing something pointless like watching an entire season of "Supernatural" and I feel like I'm letting my creative gifts die on the vine for lack of water.

And I totally feel you about the unfriending thing. I've had that happen, and while you're right in that we can't know why, it always feels icky.

[aerden.livejournal.com]

I sometimes have similar feelings about my own journal/life. I look at my journal, and I think, Does anyone but me honestly care about my role-playing my own characters in my head? Then why do I write about it so much? I look at journals like sistermagpie's and wish I could write things which were as worth reading about as hers. My journal and my thoughts seem full of nothing but mundane, daily trivialities. I feel as if I lack commitment.

I'm not working toward any book right now. In the past, that would have made me feel ashamed; right now, I'm okay with it--which mildly alarms me. I wonder what happened to the woman who wanted to be a fantasy novelist? Where did she go?

I don't know if this is just some sort of natural phase that people go through, or if it's simply that I have lost my ambitions. And I don't know why I am not more bothered by it.

I hope we both figure out some answers soon. Best of luck with it, Peg.

Chantal

[haniaw.livejournal.com]

All I can say is that I'm always happy to see an LJ post from you. Whatever the subject may be, it is always worth reading. So very often your entries make me think about something that I've never thought about before and I really thank you for that.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Feel free, as usual, to ignore this, either before or after reading!

Once again, I think of something I wrote to you in a somewhat different context some months ago: what is your goal, your purpose, your primary interest in this project (i.e., here, LJ)? Do you write this for yourself or for others? It seems to me that it must be for others, because if it were for yourself, what would it matter what we thought of it, or who read it?

So, for what purpose are you writing it for others? If you can give (to yourself) a totally honest answer to that question, it might point you toward some of your needs that aren't being filled. They may--or may not--be just what you think they are. But unless you know what they really are, you can't possibly do any constructive work on meeting them.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Well, you know, that is an interesting question. I started my livejournal specifically to try to explore how it might be an aid to me as a professional writer. I wanted to start a new book, but I didn't know what to do. I wanted to establish a web presence of Peg Kerr, Professional Writer. I hoped my blog might be something people would find if they read of my books and became curious about me. I hoped it would also stimulate me as a writer--giving me a venue for talking about books and themes and ideas and writing and fantasy/sf.

But I also wanted to have fun. I got into LJ because a number of people I liked and knew through Harry Potter fandom had LJ. And it looked like such a good time.

And all those purposes certainly did get fulfilled. Many people found my journal, and subsequently read my books. I actually started writing a book (the ice palace book, now dead in the water, alas) specifically because of the conversations I was having on LiveJournal. (And, conversely, I wonder if part of the reason I abandoned it was because LiveJournal itself gradually became more interesting.) Old friends who knew me years ago found me again. I talked about books and ideas, and I made many true and supportive friends And I had a blast.

I guess as the fiction writing component of my life has receded, I'm trying to adjust to what this LiveJournal is all about. That's not surprising. I'm still trying to figure out what not writing fiction anymore means for my life in general.

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

Ya know, the first thing that comes to mind is that you've been hideously sick for over a week, and physical enervation has a way of making everything seem like shit. It's not that all the stuff that's bothering you isn't real; sure, you have real concerns, but you also have real joys that just aren't seeming real joyful at the moment. I suspect if that person had "unfriended" you a month ago when you were feeling strong and healthy and kicking karate ass, it wouldn't have brought you down quite so deeply.

If it's any consolation, snape_after_dh is coming up in just a week. ;-) And I have several stories to contribute, including the beginning of Severus Evans, an AU life of Severus in which getting what he wants doesn't necessarily mean he gets to live happily ever after... not as long as Dumbledore remains a conniving, manipulative bastard. But maybe Severus has fun along the way, anyway. ;-)

I'm also doing a Not Dead Yet fic in which Severus says screw-you to the British Wizarding World and ends up working in a Duluth coffeehouse that bears something of a resemblance to Minneapolis' May Day. Why the hell not.

Hang in there, Peg.

[kijjohnson.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, I'm sorry you're feeling punk and depressed. What you say is interesting, because it's you and I (we) care about you. It's also always well-written, so worth reading just for that.

I have a suggestion, a little one. Read something, something important but wonderful. Not more fanfic, not a book you're read before, nothing long. It won't even take that long. If there isn't anything you have in mind, read Calvino's Invisible Cities, which I love. Don't read it to learn things for your own work (which is my problem when I read). Think of it as cracking a window in a car on a winter evening, not too much but enough to feel the cold air in your lungs. Just to feel some new air.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I thought about this--and you--because I dreamed last night that I was back in grad school. Trying to run my normal life (the job, the house, the kids, karate) while simultaneously trying to squeeze in grad school papers. I guess talking with you about finishing your packets is stirring up a lot of old memories for me.

When I woke up, I knew that it would be insane for me to be back in grad school, my life being what it is now.

But dammit. I still miss it. I still regret having to leave it.

[naomikritzer]

I have dreams occasionally of being back at college and trying to squeeze a grownup's quantity of furniture into a residence hall single. They're always incredibly stressful and then I wake up and laugh. Usually in these dreams I'm completely freaked about what I'm going to do about the cats, or where I'm going to keep all my pots and pans...and I completely forget about the two children I am also responsible for in the real world.

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

Um, if the editor is someone you know, you should check with her--just ask "Everything OK? I noticed you unfriended me and if you're just out of reading time or whatever, no worries--just wanted to check in and make sure I didn't say something rude" or something. I suggest this because a couple years ago a friend's feelings got REALLY hurt when it appeared that I had unfriended her--when in fact it was just a stupid LJ glitch.

[rachet.livejournal.com]

It may not mean a lot but I very much enjoy reading your journal. Watching the girls grow up and hearing about their karate and the meals you fix that they refuse to eat. :-D

*hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling down. I wish words could pick you right up but I know from experience that words can't really help.

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

I often feel the same way. I don't miss the stress of being a student, but I do miss having classes- learning new things, engaging with others, pondering and discussing ideas- exercise for the brain!! It feels like opportunities for this, or time to take advantage of such opportunities becomes difficult to add to the current juggle of responsibilities.

I'm applying to teach a course next semester (fingers crossed!!!) one night a week, and since I've seen the job opening it's made me really excited thinking about it, not just from the monetary view, but being in that setting again.

[aome.livejournal.com]

I know you said you're not in search of reassurance, but I find your daily life interesting. Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a voyeur? :P But it also shows me a different side of life, activities I might not be able to do, experiences I don't get to otherwise share because I live somewhere else, foods I might not otherwise have tried or considered, and even struggles I know will be down the line for me as our girls get older. Your posts often touch me, inform me, and make me feel part of humanity, even the parts that are difficult. I know for myself, I often feel that people don't care, or that nothing in my own life could possibly interest others, and yet it seems to so - I guess it's a matter of different people finding different things interesting.

I'm thinking of you. Did you end up having to resort to the antibiotics?

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Did you end up having to resort to the antibiotics? No, I ended up toughing it out without them.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Just chiming in to say I feel the exact same way. See... what makes you a good writer is that you can take emotions and feelings that we all have and put them down for the world to see--and that can be a bit like standing up naked and turning around very slowly. But we recognize those feelings and it creates a little frisson of excitement--so many times I've thought "Oh! I thought I was the only one who thought that/felt that way, etc". Stephen King does this too, and I think that's a huge part of his success.

I read your LJ because I'm interested in your life. I'm not looking to be entertained and I certainly hope that those who read MINE aren't looking for entertainment either! Your life isn't boring, nor are your struggles. By sharing your experience and sharing ours, we're creating a feeling of unity and community.

Pretty fucking cool, if you ask me.

[chelsearoad.livejournal.com]

Your LJ is one of my favorites.

Just saying.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks.

[msavi.livejournal.com]

All I can really say is that if you consider your life (and a corresponding agility of mind) presently boring, then lordy, I'm in trouble.

Maybe it'd be better to say that I identify with quite a lot of the things you post in your journal. This post as well.

[teacherla.livejournal.com]

Peg--

This is a bit presumptuous to say, but I'm going for it:

Sometimes it's good to take a break! If something's not working for you, it can be good to let it go for a while. It's not quitting, it's shifting focus. I always enjoy your posts--you write so very well--but nothing should become a rut just for the sake of existing. I've been online long enough to know that often, when posters stop posting or post more lightly for a while, it's because something else in their lives is filling the need that brought them online in the first place.

Now, I don't agree, at all, with your metaphor of the rotten house--it doesn't feel like that to me, as a reader. But if it feels like that to you, why not let the house sit for a while?

...Reread the Griffin and Sabine series maybe, work with your intuition and not so much with your analytic side, so much in evidence here....

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

If I had written this and were rereading it years later, I would guess that it had been written at 3AM. I have learned that any worries that come to my mind when I wake up at 3 AM should be pushed aside until morning, because at 3AM I leap to the conclusion that every sneeze is tuberculosis, every mole is advanced skin cancer, that every remark that's not complimentary means someone hates me, and that everyone at work is about to figure out that I'm a big faker and fire me. And I can *substantiate* every one of those worries - they all seem completely rational at the time. I don't know if you have an equivalent of 3AM, but I wonder if being sick has a similar result on you.

Anyway, one thing I find in reading blogs is that it's not so much what people do in their lives that make them interesting; it's how they think out loud about it. Plenty of people have more interesting lives than the people I read, but they don't translate well to the page. Also, as a rower myself, I find your writing about karate (like kijjohnson's about climbing) to be riveting.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

It doesn't matter what other people think, if this is how you're feeling about your journal, your life, it might be time to consider making some real changes.

I once said to a friend "I never thought I'd end up like this..." and he replied "This isn't the end. You're in the middle of it. You can still change everything."

[pazlazuli.livejournal.com]

Peg, I started to read your journal this summer and have enjoyed it very much. I consider it very generous of you to share your life with the LJ community and find it even more generous for you to share this community with me.

You explore your mind, your life, and the world and that is good. It is all valuable. And I learn from it as you are willing to share it.

Sometimes the mind just has to rest and refresh itself (just like the body) and perhaps the low ebbs that you experience, the daily things that you write about, are necessary for awhile. It will pass...

In the meantime, I enjoy reading about your daily life, and thoughts, and struggles, and triumphs and I thank you for sharing with me.

[brithistorian.livejournal.com]

I know you said you weren't looking for reassurance here, but I'm going to give you some anyway.

I think (and I imagine I'm not the only one of your readers to feel this way) that I wouldn't enjoy reading your LJ nearly so much if everything had turned out exactly the way you had wanted. I mean, let's face it, perfection of boring. If you were effortlessly cranking out books, Rob always got the taxes done on time, and the girls always cleaned their plates, I'm sure things would be a lot easier for you, but there'd be really nothing for the rest of us to read about, identify with, and learn from. What I enjoy about your LJ is seeing how, even with all the problems you have with things, you still keep moving forward. I've enjoyed reading about your on-again-off-again study of karate, your efforts to start biking to work, and your generalized effort to advance and improve your life in the face of everything that the universe throws at you. Your life is, I think, more interesting than you realize.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I love your LJ and identify with a lot of the struggles you share with us all so generously, so as a reader, just wanted to share that.

Faithful Peg Journal Reader

[kimwinters.livejournal.com]

I'd miss your journal if you no longer added to it, Peg. I read it faithfully for your stories about your family, your intelligent quips about life and politics, and for insights into the writing process.

Kim