The odd painfulness of hope

[pegkerr]

Rob meets with the district manager at 9:00 a.m. on Thursday. After that . . .?

You know, hope at this stage is almost painful. It hurts in a way. I find tendrils of thought slithering up: if this works out, you know what this means? I could actually eat dinner in a restaurant, or even buy a goddamned cup of coffee without feeling guilty. We could finally get Fiona her braces. We could actually start saving for college for the girls and for retirement again. The girls could start having music lessons again. Maybe we'll know by this time next week. Maybe all that money we've been hoarding for when the unemployment runs out will be freed up; I could even maybe get a couple of the Christmas presents I didn't quite dare buy. And . . . and . . . and . . .

I get angry at myself. Shut up I tell myself fiercely. Don't do this to yourself. Don't hope. What if it all goes wrong, somehow? What if it all falls through?

You've made it this far, pinching your pennies and surviving on nothing but sheer nerve and determination. Don't stop the discipline now. Don't even dare to let yourself think that you're at the turning point, that things will get better, that you can ease up.

Because i don't think I'd survive the disappointment if it turns out that I can't.

I've tried not to complain. But it has taken me a bit by surprise, that this (hopefully last) part is so hard. Waiting and not knowing and wanting it so badly.

Comments

[brigidsblest.livejournal.com]

I get angry at myself. Shut up I tell myself fiercely. Don't do this to yourself. Don't hope. What if it all goes wrong, somehow? What if it all falls through?

You've made it this far, pinching your pennies and surviving on nothing but sheer nerve and determination. Don't stop the discipline now. Don't even dare to let yourself think that you're at the turning point, that things will get better, that you can ease up.

Because i don't think I'd survive the disappointment if it turns out that I can't.

I've tried not to complain. But it has taken me a bit by surprise, that this part is so hard. Waiting and not knowing and wanting it so badly.

I do this to myself all the time. And you're right...it's hell.

A stunningly surprising writing opportunity was presented to me out of the blue yesterday, something I've wanted to do for years. I was hyperventilating, it had me so wound up. Maybe not a ton of money, but writing--and writing something I want to write.

Even today, when I got the email that 'we're in the process of generating contracts', I don't dare let myself hope, because if it falls through, my normal seasonal depression is going to seem like winning the lottery. Instead of telling everyone I know and screaming with joy at the top of my lungs, I've told my husband, my oldest daughter, one of my best friends, and now, you. Because if I talk about it, it almost feels like I'll make it go away.

*hugs* Oh, yes, I know exactly what you're talking about, and boy howdy, does it ever suck.

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

Appendages crossed, and hoping this all works out as you'd like.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

If you can't dare to hope for yourself, then I'll hope for you that your opportunity will come through. Good luck!

[jbru.livejournal.com]

"Don't hope?" That angry voice echoes through your head and God hears "I don't want hope. I want it to go wrong. I want it to fall through. Life should be difficult." Then God, being a rather agreeable fellow, helps you get just that. I say you should do just the opposite. Hope. Dream. Do all you can to let God know that you're ready for a shower of blessings and prosperity! What's your work schedule like the rest of the year? It's about time I took you out for a nice, long sushi lunch.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Would you be available today? At Wasabi at say, 12:45? If not, tell me what day would work for you. I'll be at work the remainder of this week, but off all next week.

[jbru.livejournal.com]

In case my voicemail didn't get to you: Today at 12:45 at Wasabi! I'll be there!

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Yes, I got the message. Thanks! I will see you there.

[dreamflower]

(((((hugs))))))

[cathellisen.livejournal.com]

oh god, this post made me cry, because I've been exactly there, and I know how you feel.

I'm holding thumbs that things happen. Good things.

[beth-bernobich.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on your fabulous news, by the way. *throws confetti*

[pazlazuli.livejournal.com]

I'll hope for you...

[oracne.livejournal.com]

The waiting is HORRIBLE every time.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

At the very least, interviewing higher on the food chain is a good sign for future opportunities.

[mayakda.livejournal.com]

You are very strong; you'll come through. Good luck. And complain all you like.

[sraun]

Good luck!

I know how you feel. I'm going through something similar right now - tomorrow is I'm talking to a manager about a long-shot Unix Admin position that I really want. I want to hope, but I don't want to hope so much that I'll get depressed if I don't get it. This is a very fine line to walk!

[eal.livejournal.com]

Tomorrow marks three years since we finished our last round of this. I still expect every day that he's going to call and say he's quit or they fired him or that the contract wasn't renewed.

I get where you're coming from. I will hope for you as I know it's so very hard to hope for yourself.

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

You are absolutely right. It is a terrifying feeling, like if you dare hope, when you are just hanging on by your fingernails, that you are just letting go and taking on faith that there will be a net to catch you.

I'm wishing you the best.