The odd painfulness of hope
Dec. 18th, 2007 11:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pegkerrRob meets with the district manager at 9:00 a.m. on Thursday. After that . . .?
You know, hope at this stage is almost painful. It hurts in a way. I find tendrils of thought slithering up: if this works out, you know what this means? I could actually eat dinner in a restaurant, or even buy a goddamned cup of coffee without feeling guilty. We could finally get Fiona her braces. We could actually start saving for college for the girls and for retirement again. The girls could start having music lessons again. Maybe we'll know by this time next week. Maybe all that money we've been hoarding for when the unemployment runs out will be freed up; I could even maybe get a couple of the Christmas presents I didn't quite dare buy. And . . . and . . . and . . .
I get angry at myself. Shut up I tell myself fiercely. Don't do this to yourself. Don't hope. What if it all goes wrong, somehow? What if it all falls through?
You've made it this far, pinching your pennies and surviving on nothing but sheer nerve and determination. Don't stop the discipline now. Don't even dare to let yourself think that you're at the turning point, that things will get better, that you can ease up.
Because i don't think I'd survive the disappointment if it turns out that I can't.
I've tried not to complain. But it has taken me a bit by surprise, that this (hopefully last) part is so hard. Waiting and not knowing and wanting it so badly.
You know, hope at this stage is almost painful. It hurts in a way. I find tendrils of thought slithering up: if this works out, you know what this means? I could actually eat dinner in a restaurant, or even buy a goddamned cup of coffee without feeling guilty. We could finally get Fiona her braces. We could actually start saving for college for the girls and for retirement again. The girls could start having music lessons again. Maybe we'll know by this time next week. Maybe all that money we've been hoarding for when the unemployment runs out will be freed up; I could even maybe get a couple of the Christmas presents I didn't quite dare buy. And . . . and . . . and . . .
I get angry at myself. Shut up I tell myself fiercely. Don't do this to yourself. Don't hope. What if it all goes wrong, somehow? What if it all falls through?
You've made it this far, pinching your pennies and surviving on nothing but sheer nerve and determination. Don't stop the discipline now. Don't even dare to let yourself think that you're at the turning point, that things will get better, that you can ease up.
Because i don't think I'd survive the disappointment if it turns out that I can't.
I've tried not to complain. But it has taken me a bit by surprise, that this (hopefully last) part is so hard. Waiting and not knowing and wanting it so badly.
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Date: 2007-12-19 07:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-12-19 03:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-12-19 05:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-12-19 05:57 pm (UTC)