I suck

[pegkerr]

This was the second day of resuming my bike commute, and the first I rode all the way home instead of taking the light rail part way. I put my bike into the garage, crawled into the house, and almost burst into tears.

I suck at this. My god, it's only five frickin' miles; how can I be so exhausted? Could I be starting to feel effects of the tree pollen that made me so dreadfully sick last year? I thought my exhaustion might be because my tires were low; however I filled them up last Thursday, the last time I rode.

On top of everything, I managed to break my bike odometer when I dropped the detachable part on the bathroom floor when I was kitting up into my biking gear to ride home. It's probably under warranty still, but I dunno if I can find the receipt.

"I hate this," I moaned to Rob and the girls and they put their arms around me and made soothing noises. "I feel old and fat and useless and out of shape."

Rob laughed out loud at that. "You are none of those things."

"Well, maybe not," I groused. "But I absolutely feel that way." Then I looked at the girls and felt a searing wave of guilt. What was all my moaning about my weight teaching them about distorted body image? Rob was right. It wasn't true, and I felt absolutely ashamed of myself for even saying such a thing. I would never ever say such a cruel thing about another person; it wasn't right to say it about myself.

Great. Wonderful role model you are, Peg . Now I'm a screw up as a mother on top of everything.

I reflected, as I tottered upstairs, that as far as I know, I don't think my mother ever rode a bike home from work a day in her life.

I'm probably loading the bike too much, but what else can I do when I have to pack my work clothes, repair kit, shoes, purse and lunch? My purse alone weighs probably seven pounds. I know, I know, I know. Shut up. I have to carry it all. If you lived my life for twenty-four hours, you'd understand why.

On top of everything, I have sparring tonight. Me and a bunch of testosterone-fueled twenty-year old guys. Great. Another opportunity to feel old, out of shape, and physically inadequate.

Edited to add: Yeah, probably not all in my head. The pollen count is super high in Minneapolis right now.

Comments

Tree pollen

[lsanderson.livejournal.com]

Maple, ash, and birch are right up there.

Does my butt look big in this patriarchy?

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

Could I be starting to feel effects of the tree pollen that made me so dreadfully sick last year?

That is... very possible. I have this Energy Trough every spring when I feel as if I'm falling to bits, haven't retained a SCRAP of condition over the winter, and then I take an antihistamine and remember once again that a normal flow of oxygen is just EXTREMELY useful when one is exerting oneself.

What was all my moaning about my weight teaching them about distorted body image?

... that the world really really is out to get us on that point and we all have moments when we droop a bit, but the important bit is to get back up?

Gah. I sound officious and annoying. I don't mean it that way. But I don't think the sight of you having a Bad Body Image Moment every so often is going to undo all your good work. If anything, it probably tends to underscore that This Self-Acceptance Stuff Is Not Easy and women who have trouble with it aren't just brainwashed wusses unworthy of sisterhood.

And in conclusion, and in the hopes that it will make you smile a bit:

[airemay.livejournal.com]

I bike about 3-4 miles to school each way, which takes about 20 minutes. This mostly depends on how strong the wind is and how much I have on my back. I find that the less I carry, the better I feel when I'm biking. But I can never pack light! I don't have a choice- I need a lunch (sometimes dinner), my show binder for the play I'm working on, my purse and my laptop. I don't have baskets yet.

The first couple of weeks bike commuting back in January or so were MISERABLE. And I'm 22! I still dread parts of my commute.

*hugs* It'll get easier!

[aome.livejournal.com]

I imagine once you get your 'bike legs' back, it won't be so agonizing. But I *will* say that I've just been DRAGGING, energy-wise, for the last week or so, so perhaps there's something in the allergen theory, too? Last week I hauled myself through a 3 mile run and, like you, burst into tears when I had finally finished.

Btw, I'm sure you're not looking for advice, but I was wondering if it would be remotely possible to keep some or all of your work outfits for the week at work. Haul the heavier load on Mon morning and Fri afternoon, with a couple of interchangeable skirts, blouses and shoes, leave them there, and not-haul them the rest of the time? Or at least SOME of the pieces, ie a couple of skirts/trousers, shoes, hose, and just bring a fresh blouse each day?

If you need a reminder that you are absolutely NOT a screw-up mother, go back to the post where Delia made you tea and Fiona talked and laughed with you about Wizard Rock, and they both obviously are overflowing with love and solidarity for their mom. *hugs you* Hope you made it through sparring tonight. I'm thinking of you.

[volkhvoi.livejournal.com]

Think of sparring as a wonderful opportunity to take out all that frustration on those annoying young guys!

You're right.

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

Being fatigued at the end of your commute not only means you're fat and old and a bad mom, it is the event which has set in motion an inexorable chain of events which will culminate in George W. Bush declaring himself dictator of the Universe, and there will be no election to relieve us of the long national nightmare, and all will look upon you and despair. ...or maybe you just got a hefty dose of tree pollen at May Day, and need more than 2 bike commutes to be back up to speed. :-)

Re: You're right.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I really was ashamed of myself afterwards for saying such a thing. I would never ever say something so cruel of another person; it wasn't right to say it about myself.

Yeah, I just need to build my stamina up again, and yeah, probably too much pollen. My eyes have been burning today, which is another clue.

Re: You're right.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Um. It's good to remind yourself about distorted body image not just for your girls but for yourself. You don't deserve it any more than they would. (Though it's probably easier, especially when you're tired, to remember not to do it for their sake.) And I think beating yourself up for your mothering / role model skills may fall into the same category: unfair to you (who work so hard and do so well at it) as well as a bad example.

But as far as the role modeling goes, I'll echo others' comments and note that it can be helpful to see that even strong people have weak moments.

Re: You're right.

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

Oh, heavens, Peg, my intention was to give you a laugh, not to shame you. Everyone has crappy days and crappy moods. There's no shame in venting about it. I just thought a bit of reductio ad absurdum humor might lighten the load. Have a hug, instead.

Re: You're right.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, I understood your intention. And you did give me some amusement.

It was a tough day, and some of that certainly bled over in my response. But I appreciate the attempt to answer my angst with humor; definitely sometimes that is the best of all possible responses. It helps me see the absurdity of skewered thinking.

O.K., I have to tell you this...

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

One reason humor came to the fore in my response is that seeing the starkness of "I suck" is a bit of a trigger for me. When My Son was about 10 years old, he went through a phase in which every other sentence was, "I suck." Delivered in a dramatically drab, ennervated monotone worthy of Eeyore--except, of course, that Eeyore would never say "I suck." ;-) It took My Son a month or two to get tired of saying that all the time and move on to the next verbal fad, but as you can see the memory lingers on.

For further cheer, see my icon: 01.20.09 FTW!!!!

[elisem.livejournal.com]

The pollen is awful right now, as everybody says. I made it a whole block and quarter on Sunday, walking, before I was winded and had to stop and use my inhaler. Seriously.

Allow for that, and you're not doing badly at all. Really.

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

I bike to and from work every day and I've found that when I need to bring a lot of stuff it's easier to stuff it all in a backpack and wear it. Somehow the bike feels heavier when I load it in the basket than when I carry it myself - don't ask me to explain that one - perhaps it has something to do with how it changes the center of gravity?

Anyway, it requires a sturdy backpack obviously, but I recommend it.

[mayakda.livejournal.com]

You fail your children by not being the perfect role model. Report back to Stepford District Office for immediate repair and tune-up.

(And I'll be there already, ahead of you in the line.)

[katakanadian.livejournal.com]

It will get better. Good on you for getting back on the bike. Go to this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pctX1xRduLo) of people getting cheered for doing the right thing and imagine me out on the road rooting for you with a big foamy finger. Woohooooo!

[auriaephiala.livejournal.com]

Yup, pollen's bad all over right now. I think the late spring made it worse.

And it's normal to feel slow and lethargic for the first few weeks of bike commuting. Your legs ache. Your bum aches. You think there's got to be a better way. And, luckily, the hassle disappears soon enough.

But you have every right to grouse Right Now.

I've carried almost a hundred pounds on my bike (loaded with groceries). That's really Too Much, but 20 pounds or so of stuff (of which the heaviest is always my bike lock and my books) isn't a big deal if it's on the rear of your bike. It helps keep from skidding if you stop suddenly, actually. Maybe you could leave less-frequently-cleaned clothes like jackets and shoes at work?

(And my purse must weigh at least 7 pounds too, particularly if I haven't cleaned it out recently.)

Best of luck ...

[qwyneth.livejournal.com]

You know, Peg, I went shopping with my mother on Sunday. At one point I was in the changing room as she was trying on a shirt. Now, my mother is thin, and wears probably a 6 or an 8. But she's got no muscle. None. Despite how much thinner than me she is (I'm a 12), she's got probably twice as much fat as I do. She looks better than me in clothes, but it's all an illusion.

Growing up, I never once saw my mother try to better herself. I saw her spend money on exercise clothes and equipment, but never once use them. She criticized herself (and me) plenty, but that was it--she never actually did anything about it. (And believe me, watching my mother--who has a smaller frame than I do--call herself fat has reinforced my belief that I am fat.) So that's what I learned: I should have a thinner and smaller frame than my mom did to be worthwhile, it's normal to hate yourself, and it's pointless to do anything about it.

You are a human being, and your daughters see that. There are things you struggle with, sure. But you do something about them. You have overly self-critical urges, but you recognize them as a problem to be fought. You are on a constant quest to improve yourself and your life, not because you aren't a good human being, but because it improves the quality of your life. Your girls see that. They are surely learning from you that it's ok not to be perfect--indeed, that no one is--but that striving to be a better person enriches one's life and creates happiness and satisfaction.

I don't know your girls, but they sound like fantastic human beings. You're clearly doing a wonderful job.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I guess you are right about what I am teaching my girls. The very first important mother/daughter I had with Fiona I remember very vividly: it took place in the hospital the day after she was born, when I held her for a couple hours and as I was falling in love with her, I told her that I wanted to be a perfect mommy for her, but I knew already that I wouldn't be, and I hoped she would forgive me for that.

I had almost the exact same conversation with Delia after I came in so whipped from biking. It ended with Delia kissing me and telling me, "Nobody's perfect, Mommy. And that's okay."

Thanks. I remember that, I know that, but I still I need to hear what you've told me here whenever I forget again, every once in a while. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

[johnridley.livejournal.com]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Every activity uses different muscles and makes different demands on your body. Nobody has an easy time at it until they've been cycling for weeks to months.

Heck, I've been cycling 11 miles one way every day for 3 years, and some days it still hurts, and sometimes I don't even know why. Sometimes it's a cold, or headwind, or some other aggravation, but sometimes it's just destined to be a bad day.