Mom puts bullying daughter in her place

[pegkerr]

Wow. As a woman who was bullied as a kid and knows how corrosive the experience is, I have to say I seriously admire this woman:

She's taken away the cell phone, she's banned the TV, but when her daughter was suspended for bullying a classmate last week, Ivory Spann felt a new punishment was in order: public humiliation.

After checking to see if it was legal, Spann forced her 12-year-old daughter, Miasha Williams, to spend four days this week in front of several Temecula schools carrying a big sign saying, "I Engaged in Bullying Behavior. I Got Suspended From School ... Don't Be Like Me. Stop Bullying."I felt I needed to do something that would make an impression," Spann said. (Read more)

From what I've read, research seems to indicate that bullying is much less likely if victims, bullies or bystanders feel that it is tolerated. I gotta think this would help. I suppose it might be argued by some that perhaps this would be counterproductive. Is the mother is perhaps "bullying" the daughter by making her do something that would humiliate her? Is this useful in a way that would teach empathy to the daughter? I suppose that it would very much depend upon the child, and the mother is the best judge of that. I also respect the fact that the mother took care to check to make sure that this was legal first.

At the very least, it might spark some useful discussions, if not between this mother and her child, or the child and the victims she was bullying, but between other children (potential victims, bullies and bystanders) and their parents.

Comments

[phoenixsong]

Can I just say AMEN to a Columbine reference that isn't all "OMG evil violent computer games make kids into killers!!1!" without the context of what those kids were going through in the first place? I don't condone what they did, but as someone else who was bullied -- bad enough that my parents took me out of public school after 8 years -- I kind of understand the urge to lash out at the kids who never seemed to be punished enough to just leave me alone.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Hmm, discussion spark indeed.

On one hand, I believe the research and the anecdotes suggesting that authorities and bystanders can reduce or stop bullying by responding firmly and consistently every time, by naming the behaviour to the bully and disciplining the bully rather than concentrating on equipping the victim.

But on the other hand, I don't approve at all of public humiliation as a punishment, even in milder forms. To me that's an abuse of power that is on the same spectrum as bullying.

[handworn.livejournal.com]

But on the other hand, I don't approve at all of public humiliation as a punishment, even in milder forms. To me that's an abuse of power that is on the same spectrum as bullying.

Sorry, but I could not disagree with you more. The use of power is inherently coercive. This is the situation in real life: there are some people who respond to nothing less than force. This is a very minor use of it. Public humiliation for bullying, using a social punishment for a social transgression, makes the punishment fit the crime. It involves no physical punishment. And I believe it would deter escalation, because unlike an adult, the student has to go back and face his or her same classmates afterwards.

And the "same spectrum" argument never holds any water by itself, I think, because almost everything called bad by anyone is a matter of degree, which in a different intensity is not widely controversial.

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

I personally think that's awful. Legal does not make it appropriate. Certainly she deserved some type of punishment and I do not think bullying having been tormented myself should not be tolerated. I kinda feel bad for the bully. It seems to me bully's already do not have the worlds best self esteem.

[thomasyan.livejournal.com]

I'm also a bit disturbed at the reported cause the sparked the bullying: a racist comment. That does not excuse bullying, but if true, doesn't seem to me to be very far from being abusive in its own right.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I noticed that, too. I commend parents who take action when their kids do bad things...but at the same time, I hope the message here isn't, "Don't stand up for yourself when other people treat you badly."

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Yeah - my first reaction was, so what happened to the girl who made the racist comment? Did anyone check into that and if true, was she punished?

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

Did they have to end the story with a Columbine reference? I suppose there's always room to stoke fear.

B

[naomikritzer]

I read this story and had the immediate thought that this was evidence for the theory that bullies are often created by abusive parents.

I think there are a lot of appropriate ways to respond to a child who is guilty of bullying others, but parading them around with a humiliating sign is not one of them.

I also thought from the article that it was distinctly possible that there were two sides to the original ("she bullied me!") story.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

I can't speak to the last paragraph, but the first two are perfect.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

To the extent that this part is accurate--

Miasha said the incident happened May 10 when she and five other girls confronted a fellow student who they said called them a racist name.

No violence occurred, she said, but the girl felt intimidated enough to complain.

--I'd say the wrong student was suspended.

[joelrosenberg.livejournal.com]

Depends, I think, on what the actual values for "confronted" were, and both what actually happened during and preceded the supposed calling of the "racist name." It's not utterly unknown that racial epithets are returned in kind, or that accusations are not entirely accurate. (I'm not arguing that it's okay to use racist epithets, but to my mind, how not-okay it is does depend on the provocation, if any... viz. the confrontation outside the frat house that was part of the Duke rape hoax.)

[boldpurpletext.livejournal.com]

As a teacher, it is refreshing to find a parent who actually makes their child own up to their behavior and face some consequences. I see too many kids whose parents make excuses for them, coddle them, and are turning them into smug brats who feel entitled to good grades and bad behavior because Mommy and Daddy never say no.

Public humiliation is a tried and true method of shaming people into proper behavior, and one could argue the "I don't care what anyone else thinks; I'm gonna do what I want" attitude is contributing to social breakdown.

[handworn.livejournal.com]

I'm with you; this "helicopter parents" thing has gone way too far.

[avengangle.livejournal.com]

In Ohio, if you get caught for too many DUIs, they give you a yellow license plate with rust colored numbers. So I'm certain there's a use for public humiliation. I also like the idea of parents not making excuses for their children.

However, I'm not sure.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

They let people carry on driving after they've been caught driving drunk many times? Why don't they just yank their license for a year on the second offence?

[avengangle.livejournal.com]

I just checked, and actually, you get those plates even on your first DUI if you're given limited driving privileges. They yank your license for 3-6 months on the second offense, but even in odd cases they'll let you drive as long as it's to work and back. I'm not sure how they can make sure that's all your driving. I think if you're caught for a second DUI you should be required to have the odd-colored plates for the rest of your life.

[mplsvala.livejournal.com]

I find it odd that people think the punishment was too harsh. The girl herself seems to have reached a good attitude and to have grasped the important points her mom was concerned about. And just because no violence occurred doesn't mean that the suspension wasn't appropriate. Placing people in reasonable fear of bodily harm is a problem even if no injury is sustained. I find the notion that the mom is a big bully and fostering that attitude extremely unlikely.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about this some more. I have no problem with the idea of an ex-gang-member, ex-addict, someone who committed drunken vehicular homicide or whatever choosing to make presentations to schools about how he or she got into such bad ways and why he or she regrets them. And if the 12yo had been helped to some comprehension of the problems in a climate of bullying, and had agreed to participate in some consciousness-raising activity as a way of making restitution, that might fit similarly. I still don't think parading with a sign would be the best choice of consciousness-raising activity - I'm thinking more like participating in the next round of peacemaker workshops - but still.

Perhaps the newspaper article's use of the words "forced" and "humiliation" aren't fairly representing the situation in that family and that school.

[mplsvala.livejournal.com]

I'm not actually a big fan of the shaming concept in general. But I liked that this was specifically geared for the girl by her own mother. Paying attention to individual differences is one my big things, so I'm inclined to like this. It falls into character-building parental instruction. It offers a host of features. No fun fooling around during school hours, stomps all over the cool factor in bullying, provided an actual learning experience which is highly memorable. It gives her a hook for changing the behavior of others also. Not only is she unlikely to do it again, but she is unlikely to stand by silently while others do it. So, it looks like swift and effective direct intervention to me. You don't have to enroll in a workshop to help society change for the better.

BTW, what a cute handle you have. It tries to leap out as an image, especially in combination with the icon. Cool.

[primroseburrows.livejournal.com]

I'm a bullying victim survivor myself, and I can't decide whether this is one possible way of dealing with bullies that might actually work, or one more victim made. Apparently the girl learned something, but I don't know if that makes it right or not. Jury's definitely still out for me.

[handworn.livejournal.com]

You're right. This woman rocks, there's no other word for it.

A friend of mine believes quite seriously that we ought to bring back the stocks, or at very least ought to bring back its purpose: public humiliation as a common punishment.

It would also be hard to argue that it's cruel and unusual, too, since it was common in colonial days when the Constitution was written.

[kk1raven.livejournal.com]

I think you'd have to know something about the girl's personality and past behavior to know whether this punishment was a good choice or bullying by the mother.I can picture it going either way. One incidence of public humiliation could really teach the girl a lesson. If taking away privilages wasn't heling,the mother needed to try something different. A pattern of being humiliated could really mess her up though, especially if she is sensitive in the wrong way.