Thinking about identity: Being a karate student

[pegkerr]

I have gone through both athletic and non-athletic phases in my life. I studied ballet as a kid, and i really seriously wanted to become professional for awhile. I got to the point where I was studying toe, but then my teacher moved out of town, leaving me high and dry. I was probably an above-average ballet student; I was certainly enthusiastic, but I wasn't great. Toe was painful, too, damn it, and I knew I could expect more pain if I continued. It was difficult to find a professional caliber teacher to continue. And, kiss of death, I read a book (don't remember the title) which advised that if you want to be a professional, you should expect not to go to college. Well! I was probably ignorant to take one person's word for it, but there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to college. So that was the end of my ballet career.

I grew up in Illinois, the one state in the country which (very sensibly, I think) required daily gym classes for all students all the way through high school. I participated quite willingly in gym, in a wide variety of physical activities, but never got involved in athletic teams--I was too busy with studies and drama. I flirted with running for a little bit in high school, in the interests of physical conditioning, but quit before long. I hated running (and still do).

In my thirties I got interesting in working out, again out of a dutiful sense of I should do this, and I bought a few exercise videos, but again, only did it sporadically.

Then in my late thirties, I was put on some medication that made me gain twenty-five pounds in about a year and a half. For the first time in my life, i was overweight, if only slightly. I started reading more, bought more exercise videos and DVDs and started exercising regularly four years ago.

It never really occurred to me, "I want to do karate!" Oh, I saw the Karate Kid movies, but I never was into Hong Kong action flicks. Karate was something other people did. Not me.

I have never been attacked physically, whether by friend or stranger. But as a woman growing up in America, I have often thought about protecting my physical safety. And I have had some scares, incidents that made me uneasy, things that made me think I might have been in danger, but the situation defused itself, the (possible) predator moved on. I have mentioned that I took a self-defense class in high school, which I appreciated, although I wondered whether I would be able to use the lessons in an emergency. Could I really defend myself if needed?

And then I had two beautiful little girls and, as I said, my internal underlying chant changed from protect self became protect them.

For a variety of reasons which I won't enumerate at length, we received the recommendation that Delia study karate. I asked kiramartin for advice, because I knew her son was studying, and she directed us to our current dojo. We have been there ever since. I genuinely like the teachers, it is convenient, and it seems a pretty good fit with our family.

I have covered much of what I've learned in my various karate entries (see here). Because of the way we started it, with Delia being the first to start, then Fiona, and then me, my experience of studying karate is wrapped up in my parenting. I have to balance what I am learning with what Fiona and Delia are learning. It has offered all sorts of opportunities to talk about discipline, tenacity, success, failure, healthy bodies and positive body issues, self-defense, assessing threats, sportsmanship, performance anxiety, and a host of other issues.

i have my own issues, too, some of which I don't talk about with them. I find that I am re-living some of the experience I had studying ballet: I am trying to learn about a precise art with a long history, and I am both pleased with my (slowly) growing mastery and immensely frustrated with my body's limitations--I'm getting there, but a lot less quickly than I would like. I want to be perfect instantly, but alas, that is not possible. In ballet, my biggest problem was an inflexible back and faulty foot alignment. In karate, it's my hips and (lack) of general flexibility. Like ballet, karate eats up more and more time as you get more serious about it. It is a real conflict with what used to be my writing time (and I wonder if I've turned to karate because it gives me an excuse not to work on the book). It is also very very expensive, and I fret: is it better to study karate than to put aside more money for college? Retire credit card debt? How about retirement? Am I being profligate and selfish, or are the benefits to the girls worth it? How do I balance my needs with theirs?

We were doing marching basics last night, and as I executed the crisp folds of the sudo block, low block, it felt like the joy I used to feel about executing a perfect pirouette. But more than that, when I do karate, I feel dangerous in a way I have never felt before. When I think about facing a predator now, I think not only he might do this, I might do this. I also think about his surprise and his fear when he suddenly realizes What the--damn, I picked the wrong woman to mess with. This is curious, exciting, unsettling, even intoxicating. I feel I am becoming a warrior, a secret one, who drives an old used car and hectors her kids about homework, but when backed up against the wall, can (someday) kick butt with the best of them and save the helpless under my care. And when a man inches taller than me and sixty pounds heavier stares at me fiercely and then throws a punch and I block it with a snap (*hesitates to post this and then says in a rush*) it feels dead sexy. Ahem. I feel dead sexy.

(Whew. I'm going to have to think about that some more. That feels mighty strange to admit.)

I feel that by taking karate, I am fighting a rear guard action on my body's aging, one that most woman wouldn't think of doing. And I feel rather proud of myself for taking this risk, for throwing myself into this study the way I have. Or perhaps it is not denying my body's aging, struggling against it, but a vote of optimism in aging: yes, you may be getting older, but see, you are still powerful, yes, your body can still do things. It is a vote of confidence in myself.

But I have to face a big decision: Should I go for the black belt? Sensei is asking again whether we want to sign the long-term contract.

It is a huge commitment. Money. (And even MORE money, the longer we wait to contract; they want you to lock rates in early.) Time. Possibly the risk of physical damage. Possibly a setback to my writing career (what writing career?) It is particularly fraught because it is a decision for all three of us. Fiona definitely wants to go for it, but Delia is more doubtful, because she doesn't like sparring as much as Fiona did. If Fiona decides yes and Delia decides no, that makes my decision particularly difficult. We started Delia in karate so she could feel mastery over her sister in something. What if the girls don't want to do it at all and I do? Will the family put up with my absence night after night?

Good lord, I've written enough. If people have questions, I will flesh this out if need be.

Comments

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

Reading this series of essays (which I did for the first time yesterday), it occurs to me that your choice of language is causing more than a little of the problem. (I guess, more accurately, it's the English language that's causing the problem -- and not you in particular.) The thread runs though all these essays, but is most prominent in the first, where you're asking whether or not you're a writer -- the noun -- when it would make much more sense for you to ask if you write: the verb.

I think the noun/verb problem is central to all of this. Writer, secretary, karate person, even mother -- these are not things you are. These are things you do.

I blame our culture. American society is tied up in identity. Everyone needs a compact expression of who they are. "I'm a X." is the answer to one of the first questions you get asked when someone new meets you. X is assumed to be the thing you get paid for, which makes people who don't work very uncomfortable in these situations. And if you don't have a good X, or an easily definable X, or if you don't particularly like the X you have, you're also uncomfortable.

In your second essay you're looking at the X that's based on your paycheck -- secretary -- and observe that it somehow isn't you. Of course it's not you. It's just your job.

In your first essay you're asking if you're allowed to have "writer" as X. In other words, how much of the verb do you have to do before you get to claim the noun? The honest answer is that it depends. Even more interestingly, it depends on the beholder. You said it yourself when you asked whether you consider Walter M. Miller, Jr. to be a writer even though he only wrote one book. You can consider him a writer -- the noun -- because all you know about what he did in his life -- all the verbs -- is write. Or maybe you know a few other details about him. In any case, most of the verbs you can assign to him are "write," so he can be summarized with the single noun of "writer." If you were his daughter, you wouldn't think of "writer" as his X. If you were his best friend, or barber, you might not think of "writer" as his X. If you know the many things he did in his life, your picture of him would be more complex and "writer" might not be the single X that jumps out. But from your own personal perspective, he's a writer.

Similarly, all those people on your LJ friends list who don't know you very well are more likely to consider you a writer than those people who know you more intimately. People who don't know you just see your writing; your intimates see all sorts of verbs.

I read these essays and see all different verbs. You write. You mother. You work as a secretary. You take karate lessons. (To me, those all feel more correct as verbs than nouns -- especially the last one.) You also cook and exercise and garden and etc. What's your X? It's the sum of all those verbs. It's unique to you. And as someone who sees you at your most complex and intimate -- you yourself -- it is perfectly reasonable that none of the labels quite fit. Even I can't imagine assigning a single X to you.

Save the nouns for the things that are truly nouns. You're a mammal. You're human. You're female. ("Mother" is a tough one because it is both a noun -- you are a biological mother -- and a verb: you mother your children. Most of the time the same person is both; in adoptive situations they are separate. Your essay is clearly about the verb, not the noun.)

As for the verbs, you can have as many as you want. You can have them in greater or lesser amounts, changing over time, never constant. I don't think they're your identity; I just think of them as things you do.

B

[aome.livejournal.com]

Wow, this was well said.

(Although as an adoptive mother, I disagree with the idea that my noun/verb status is somehow different.)

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

"Although as an adoptive mother, I disagree with the idea that my noun/verb status is somehow different."

Are you saying that you believe you are the biological mother of your adopted daughter? That can't possibly be what you are saying.

I mean that the noun mother is the biological mother -- think lobsters -- and the verb mother is the nurturing one.

B

[aome.livejournal.com]

But I don't understand why you think I cannot be a mother (noun) just because I didn't give birth. (And I'm missing the 'lobster' reference.)

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I am making the distinction "between being a mother" (the noun) as "giving birth" and "mothering" (the verb) as "the multi-year process of mothering a child." Lobsters give birth, and then completely ignore the eggs. You, as an adoptive mother, did not give birth but are mothering a child. AsI don't know you, and know nothing about the state of your reproductive organs, I have no idea what you can or cannot do in the future.

If you consider the nouns to be the small limited set of things you are -- human, female, alive -- then "mother" clearly doesn't belong in that category. (Although honestly, I don't care. I just didn't want to use "mother" as a verb and have Peg complain that it isn't a verb because it technically has nothing to do with what she does day to day, but is a physical fact about her body.)

B

[kmonlift.livejournal.com]

wow--nice job. right here on little ol' livejournal

[lkw18.livejournal.com]

with which medication did you gain weight?

that line was all too familiar with me as I went from 100 lbs. to 140 lbs after being on paxil and celexa. Granted, some of that weight had to have been due to puberty, but I would attribute maybe 15 pounds to that. So I gained about 25 as well by being on meds.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

I'm dealing with Celexa weight gain now. Too much of it.

Prozac weight loss was worse. I was down below 110 at 5'7" height and I *wasn't hungry*. I wasn't dieting; I just felt full all the time. Blugh.

[aome.livejournal.com]

Will the family put up with my absence night after night?

How many nights are we talking about, as you progress in the sport? Three times a week? More? Your girls will start to get more competent in the kitchen as they get older. Would Rob be able to work a little less to help more at home? I think you are allowed to have something for yourself. If you were writing instead of kicking butt, you would still be unavailable - possibly more unavailable; the only difference is you'd be at home. I still feel guilty about taking one night a week off to take a community college course, but I also recognise that I am just as deserving of something for myself as anyone else in this household; Will runs 4 days/week, so that's quite a few hours he gets for his own thing. I don't complain because I know it's important for him, not just for health, but because the goals and achievement themselves are important. Our girls (well, MiniPlu - she's the only one old enough to understand) don't question it because they know that's just What Daddy Does. I think if you decide to pursue the karate, your family should be able to understand that as well, just as they get to pursue whateveritis they do.

And if Delia decides not to continue karate, wouldn't that free her up to try something else? Gymnastics or dance, maybe? (With that flexibility, it seems a shame not to use it to best advantage!) Art, soccer? Does she still play violin?

I recognise that I tend to take a somewhat 'male' approach to problems, trying to find answers and I know that sometimes it's not really that simple, so if I sound too, um, know-it-all or preachy or something, I apologize.

(Oh, and I think that a sense of your own power can be sexy. Enjoy it!)

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

If Fiona decides yes and Delia decides no, that makes my decision particularly difficult. We started Delia in karate so she could feel mastery over her sister in something. What if the girls don't want to do it at all and I do? Will the family put up with my absence night after night?

Meg told me she wants to stop at purple belt, because to advance to brown the purples have to fight the line of browns - about 6 kids in general, and it's not important how well they fight but rather whether they get back up after they get the wind knocked out of them a couple of times ... I have trouble watching this line fight at testing, because some of the boys take hard shots to the midsection and cry, and I know she doesn't like fighting as much as she likes kata and drilling, so I told her if she wants to stop at purple that's entirely up to her and I'm not going to push her. But I do want her to continue to stay in karate for her own benefit at least until then, because as you said, my protective instinct is riding high.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Is Meg your daughter? You know, not all karate schools are quite that... shall we say... militaristic. If she wants to continue but the emphasis on being a hard-ass is freaking her out, she might do better at a different school.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

Oh I love the school in all other respects. It's not militaristic at all, it's a lot of fun, great teaching about not only karate but also about life choices and things that are hard for kids sometimes - like resisting peer pressure, like being honest, like helping others. There's always a lesson of the week: courage, modesty, courtesy, integrity, something like that. When the kids get advanced to the level of brown - something that she won't do for probably another 3 years, they are entering the phase of training for black belt and so they have to step things up a notch, and I understand it. The test for brown is the first time at which they really get into any serious sparring. The school also does not allow children to test for their black belt until they are 16, because they must be mature enough emotionally to truly carry the belt, sensei feels. Which I can also agree with - there are a lot of McDojo's around here and I see kids 7, 8 years old with "black belts" and I wonder really how that can be meaningful at all, other than to keep money flowing into the McDojo. But I digress. If she wants to stop, I'll allow her to stop. If Delia doesn't want to keep going, then she doesn't want to keep going, and it won't mean anything to her even if she does better than Fiona. Maybe having them in different activities is the key, although that's a giant pain with transport, I know. Meg says that all the kicking, yelling and jabbing is going to help her be a cheerleader when she gets bigger, LOL.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

I love your paragraph about being a secret warrior and how sexy that is.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

Incidentally, my experience with my children is that I cannot give them competences; they discover them on their own. I took my son to tae kwon do class (having offered him ballet) because his sister took ballet; he never developed the coordination to do jumping jacks, let alone katas, and I let him quit after he'd given it a fair try.

Some years later he is superb at cooking, like his father, and at playing the trumpet, like nobody at all on either side of the family.

[tinymich.livejournal.com]

That's interesting. I have always had a chip on my shoulder about not being exposed to my competences (to borrow your phrase) early on in life, and have hence sworn that I will give my future kids the tap dance and ballet and voice lessons that I never had, and they will be free to drop out anytime they decide something's not for them. But providing a child with an opportunity to acquire a competence you've never been exposed to (trumpet?) -- how do you go about doing that? Do you just wait for them to ask?

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

As to trumpet, we were very, very lucky: our school system still offers elementary-school band lessons. In general, though, to be honest, I tend to buy books and offer classes if the interest holds.

I dunno.

[joelrosenberg.livejournal.com]

I guess I'm too simple, all in all, because I don't see the complications that you do. It sounds like you enjoy the whole karate thing immensely, that it's not impossible that it might have some practical application beyond that at some point, and that both the money and the time have been affordable to date and there's no apparent reason to believe that they won't be in the intermediate future... so why not?

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Of course martial arts are sexy. They involve being fully present in your body, the physiological indicators of arousal (increased heart rate, faster breathing, flushing, sweating, etc) are all present, you and your partner are paying attention to each other with an intensity that's otherwise rare except in sexual situations, you and your partner probably feel camaraderie and respect for each other, you're challenging each other, and you feel strong and powerful and competent, because you are strong and powerful and competent.

Karate is certainly a huge time sink but I got just as much writing done when I was training six to ten hours a week as I do now that I'm not training at all (for medical reasons.) You make time for the things you value most.

Regarding the issues with you and Delia and Fiona and your family and so forth, maybe you should cross those bridges when you come to them. If you love something, you shouldn't let it go for hypothetical issues that may or may not ever arise.

One more thing, regarding the possibility of getting hurt: I've gotten some minor injuries from sparring, none of which required medical attention. So why am I out of karate for four months and counting? A car accident. You really never know what can happen, but my feeling is that the health benefits you'll accrue will outweigh the minor injuries and unlikely but possible risk of a serious injury.

[amethistdolphin.livejournal.com]

It does sound like Karate is doing you good, Idont think the 'sexy'coment is strange or off at all, I know what you mean.

I dont know how difficult it would be, just a suggestion but what if Delia tried some other martial arts? I mean there are all kinds of aspects to martial arts, maybe some of the others may have what she needs or likes without the sparring...

Practicing a martial art has done a lot for me to me, especially in relation to my self confidence and self esteem. It does sound like it is doing something like that to you (not nescessarily related with self esteem and such, but helping anyway), and from what I have read in the past to your girls too.

[jhetley.livejournal.com]

Like you, I started studying karate _after_ our kids started. They eventually got bored at the blue belt/green belt level. I kept up, through second degree black belt level, and then let it slide rather than take the third degree test and all. I'd suggest that you go with what _you_ want to do, no matter what the girls decide. Telling your body to do something and having it damn well _do_ it is a real rush....

And it really helps when you have to write a fight scene.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I really appreciate this series of posts. You're putting it all out there. (Sure, not some of the details, but the /heart/ of it.)

Thanks.

(I would imagine that some of your questions are the kinds of ones you'll have to sit with and think about for awhile, yes? Good luck with that.)

Also-- block it with a snap (*hesitates to post this and then says in a rush*) it feels dead sexy. Ahem. I feel dead sexy.

You make me grin. Go you.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

(Er. Obviously, all of the Large Questions are ones you have to sit with. I meant the somewhat smaller questions of karate and money and such.)

[volkhvoi.livejournal.com]

block it with a snap (*hesitates to post this and then says in a rush*) it feels dead sexy. Ahem. I feel dead sexy.

Doesn't it just? :D

[callunav.livejournal.com]

It sort of seems to me that, with these big issues of identity and self-perception and desire, and with any number of other things (like how to handle a delicate parenting situation), it's a lot less important to have an answer than it is to be able to perceive and *sit with* the questions.

The questions in life have a lot more staying power than answers ever do, anyhow. That's been my experience so far, at least.

These have been some fabulous explorations of some really good questions. It's like a treasure-hunt, when exploring the ramifications of one question open up a half-dozen new questions you hadn't known existed. And it's the questions which are the treasure.

I resonate a lot to what you're describing and agree with a lot of it - and also have some markedly different experiences and differences of opinion about some aspects of training and martial arts. But mainly, I'm enjoying reading /your/ thoughts about them.

But...to sing, to laugh, to dream,
To walk in my own way and be alone,
Free, with an eye to see things as they are...
...at a word, a Yes, a No,
To fight--or write. To travel any road that lies
Under the sun, under the stars, nor doubt
If fame or fortune lie beyond the bourne--
Never to make a line I have not heard
In my own heart; yet, with all modesty
To say, "My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may truly call your own."

(Cyrano de Bergerac, Edmond Rostand, trans. Brian Hooker.)


I will say that, from my position on the sidelines, it makes me happy to see you taking possession of your own training, your own internal battles, your triumphs, your power, your hopes for the future - that it's very much about Fiona and Delia, but it's not *only* about Fiona and Delia. I'm glad of that.

[diatryma.livejournal.com]

Every time you post a karate entry, it makes me wish I could still do it. In grad school, I'll try again.
I can't give any sort of advice except that I would like to see this ice palace book on a purely selfish level; I don't know you at all. It seems very sudden to be thinking about black belt testing-- you're in a different kind of karate than I was, I think, with faster advancement. Whatever you do, it'll be good.

[jbru.livejournal.com]

One thing that I miss doing is Tai Chi. I took it up in college and have always been attracted to it. (That and Kendo.) For me, the practice isn't about kicking butt or protecting myself. (Though I understand why it is, or at least seems to be in this writing, for you and others.) What I got out of it was that feeling of present-ness. The meditative state of being fully aware of my body in the present moment. It was grounding, calming and stress-relieving. Even now, I'll occasionally pull out a piece of the form or so, sometimes as part of stretching before a physical activity, sometimes just for itself.

I mention this because it might be something that you and/or your girls could enjoy and benefit from that has some portion of the martial arts things you like but doesn't include much sparring. (There's a practice called "push-hands" that is a more advanced study in which one, basically, performs the form "at" another person while they are doing the same. It's not like any other martial art sparring I've seen.)

Apart from that, I think minnehaha has some good points re: verbs and nouns. Another take on that, however, is thinking of the roles you play in your life. You've covered many of them here in these essays. You also have wife, daughter and, I'm sure, a host of other roles. One thing (which I learned from the Franklin Covey people) that has helped me keep events on track is to list off the roles I play and to formulate goals for them for both the short and long term. With those codified, I can then plan activities based on the importance and/or urgency of the goals.

Your personal fulfillment vs your perceived responsibilities

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

That's what this is all about, I think. If karate is giving you personal fulfillment, it's tough to argue against it. What I say about it really won't help you or anyone else, because it's such a personal dilemma. But I thought I'd chime in with a few ideas.

The strongest argument is, of course, the money--if spending so much will cause financial hardship or will take up the "wiggle room" that your family has, then you probably should postpone this until the daughters are older and have made decisions about college. (I always knew that I'd have to get a scholarship because my dad's health failed and my parents made no provisions for me--but it was no obstacle, for I was and am very unathletic and inclined to sit around and read/write/think or argue scholarly stuff, so. Also knew to take that PSAT so I could get my National Merit scholarship; if you don't take the PSAT, you aren't considered by NMSC. BUT if children kind of "expect" that you have made plans, then you make sacrifices, as you already know, o'course). I quit taking piano again because it cost too much and took too much of my time, and thus was unfair to other members of our household who weren't spending $75 an hour every week and then practicing while the vacuum went untouched. But I also quit because I would never be able to play the classical repertoire the way I play pop and jazz, and it seemed futile to work daily on interpretation and so forth to please a particular teacher when I wouldn't be playing for anyone but myself. So piano returned to being a creative outlet for me. (I've always played by ear and already play intermediate repertoire, but I was trying to move to advanced.) Thre may be a similar sacrifice involved in your going to pursue black belt rather than staying at the level you have now. (The teacher's concern is, of course, in part the MONEY. So they ALWAYS want to take you further. :)

The secondary consideration, to me, is that martial arts DO teach you ways to stay safe on the streets. But how many times are you outside of the suburban safety net, anyhow, and walking at night, etc.? There's always a possibility that you'll encounter some problem, but do you have to be a black belt to handle most situations? My friend was doing Tae Kwan Do because her hubby wanted to, but she developed painful forearms, and the doctor said that she should try stopping the sparring and see if they didn't stop (he had her in full arm braces for carpal tunnel, etc., when he mentioned this.) Two weeks out of the dojo and her arms recovered. So there are injuries that you can get doing serious work. She used to have bruises on her ribs just about every Tuesday.

However, if these two aren't the issues, it's mostly a crapshoot. I know from what Terry told me of TKD that the endorphin rush can be addictive--she hated to drop out of class (and that was one of the few times she got to do something with her hubby, as his hobbies were so different from hers and he was inclined to spend lots of time away), but she couldn't type and do her job if she kept it up. It took a few weeks for the desire to do the poses (you can see I know nothing about this past having seen "The Karate Kid" once) to go away. She went to yoga and kept up her physical condition, and said aerobics was as good for her figure as martial arts, so I suppose she "recovered" from the addiction. She said if she hadn't had the injury, she probably would've signed the contract to keep going, and then that would have been so expensive that she couldn't pay off her credit cards. (Her daughters were grown by the time she did this--already on their own.)

(continued on next rock)

Re: Your personal fulfillment vs your perceived responsibilities

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

But if you see yourself as a writer . . . um, it's easy to finish that with "then you are one," but maybe that is too easy. If that is what you feel you are, then perhaps you should draw back and find time for it.

I am emotionally incapable of impartially addressing the issue about writing. My self-esteem is so tied up in "getting a book published by New York" and has been since I was a kid that I can't imagine any time at which I wouldn't be insanely working toward this goal . . . if I had ever had an agent, a mentor, any encouragement, or kind of legit publication, I would not be able to consider not submitting. But I do know this: if you no longer feel the creative drive, it isn't worth it. It's a lot of work (you already know this) and stress, and there's such a chance of rejection and belittlement . . . well, another creative outlet might be just fine. Writing fiction and selling it is much tougher than most other creative outlets in that your work is not respected unless you get "the big kahuna." Having a number of works that have been liked by no one but yourself gets kind of old. :) The reason most writers do it is that they need to expend the energy in that creative drive. If that need of yours is already fulfilled by other things, don't feel guilty that you don't write. It doesn't matter--if you have already published, you already have "been there" and you know whether you want it badly enough to put everything else aside and pursue it. The market is so tough, now that everyone and his horse has a computer and is writing a book and has access to critique groups. When I was eleven and pounding out stupid little stories on my dad's portable Remington and sending them to the New Yorker (sigh, but I got back priceless little scribbled encouragements on the rejection slips that I had kept up until my mother's house fire--things like "Sorry, but keep trying" and "You're getting there" from interns who obviously knew I was a rugrat and were trying to be nice-and I had English teachers who constantly said I was good, as well, which kept me deluded), I didn't have the kind of competition I have now. Now there isn't the additional obstacle of retyping pages with more than three errors, putting the paper in and getting it aligned, and all the physical hassle associated with doing it on the typewriter. It's so easy to edit, reprint, and submit. So now everyone tries to write a novel. *sigh* Well, I can't put them down because I'm swimming right alongside the rest of the unwashed masses, but I would say that if any other creative activity fulfills that drive, that need, DO THAT ONE INSTEAD, because it's bound to be less awful to live through. The music is an immediate reward of its own...the drawing is, as well, to some extent...the crafts definitely are (my friend knits, and no one says her stuff needs re-knitting or that her style is stupid. They are on waiting lists to receive her hats and tea cozies. Ugly or not. *grin*)

You are lucky to NOT have the pressure to "prove yourself." You have published books. When you say to people, "I write novels," you have proof. There is nothing else you need to do in order to prove yourself to people or show that you aren't making it up. If the pleasure of being in the flow state and turning out pages (and later revising them) is not there for you, then don't bother to do it. As I said, it takes so much work. And when you're in the middle of a book, either writing or revising, then you think about that all the time and will leap up from the dinner table or pull over while driving to scribble down a line of dialogue. This irritates whoever you're with. It eats up your life.

If you currently know editors who actually ask you what you have and say that they'd like to see it . . . well, I can't imagine being in that position, but I know that would make you feel guilty that you don't have anything to send. Still, it doesn't matter. You're not "throwing the chances away." You have simply moved on to another phase that fulfills you more. At least that's the way I see it.

But then I am no expert. Take that for what it is--a musing from someone who always feels she can give advice, for some crazy reason. :)

[piccolo-pirate.livejournal.com]

I know this is an old entry and I know I'm a lurker but I found this and even if you never see it, I have to comment.

I started dancing when I was 4 years old; I studied ballet (as well as tumbling) for 8 years. Unlike you, I was never very good at it, but I poured myself into every class and actually danced en pointe for two years. At one point I was dancing 12 hours a week, although compared to my talented peers 12 hours was a light commitment. I quit when I realized that dancing was no longer enjoyable, and that I had no future, even as a non-serious dancer.

I took up karate the next year, and I've never looked back. It has kept me sane through five crazy, hormone-ridden and stressful years. I know that my parents are going to worry as I head off to college in the fall, but knowing that I can defend myself gives them a little more peace of mind.

I don't use the word "sexy" very often because I rarely feel it - except for those rare and beautiful moments when I'm sparring, or doing a kata and I'm suddenly someone dangerous, in control, and just a bit mysterious. Dead sexy indeed.

Good luck with your decision regarding karate and scheduling. I can promise you the black belt will be amazing, but I know how tough it can be to make commitments when it seems like several million things are vying for every minute. From a fellow martial artist, former-dancer, American female, and human being: God bless. :)

-Kate

Overthinking it

[kiramartin.livejournal.com]

Peg,

It is only a great Mother who analyzes and overthinks to have the best situation for any of their children. I am sometimes guilty of that myself, I am told.

I believe it is very simple. Let Delia master something else, she would be amazing at gymnastics! And that is once a week! Gleasons is just right down hwy 77 and right off hwy 13. It is only a 15mn drive at the most. All my kids have taken gymnastics there and then you are at a professional place incase shw wants to further her training. Simple.

You. Only you can answer that but you re no less of a writer doing the black belt contract than if you weren't. It, being karate, has now given you so many gifts and strengths that it HAS BECOME A BIG PART OF YOU, A NATURAL PART.

We can talk more in private about this but I wanted to get down my immediate feelings and thoughts to you.

Re: Overthinking it

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Yes, Delia would be great at gymnastics, and she is interested in it.

BUT

I don't want karate to be a second thing she lost or was driven away from because of her sister (the first was violin). I want her to feel she can stand her ground and say, this is mine, and I can get good at it too; I don't have to retreat and give it up because my sister is interested in it.

She went to karate camp this weekend and really liked it. I hope that will encourage her to continue.