Peg Kerr's Journal

Here are two, one which I finished several weekends ago, and one which I am not convinced is entirely finished.

First we have this Committee Card:


The Brat (Committee Card)
I am the One who wants things MY WAY. If you do not allow things to be MY WAY there is no way I will be reasonable. Expect volcanic rage instead.


Marriage (Council Card)
I am the One made from Two who have decided to join their lives and fates together, with the blessing of family and friends.

The thing that bothers me so much about this card is that I had it just about all the way assembled when I realized I was including only heterosexual couples. This was an unconscious assumption/bias, and I was quite ashamed of myself when I finally twigged to the lack. (Also a distressing lack of diversity). Duh. This from the woman who wrote The Wild Swans and campaigned for United for All Families. I like the couples I've found, but a pair of male hands with wedding rings added at the last minute--especially when all the other couples feature full body shots--hardly satisfies.

I like the card, and yet I may do it all over again. Rats.

I almost didn't post the card because I'm so embarrassed about it, but then realize I might as well show my mistakes as well.

I had no intention of pulling out my soulcollage materials tonight.

My backbrain, however, insisted.

This card is related to several other cards in my deck: the Bearer of Burdens card, the Time card, the Dementor card, and The Woman Who Listens to Ravens card. I also think it's the card about what can happen if you resist crossing the Hidden Passage.

Cog in the Machine - Committee Suit I am the One who feels trapped by duty and necessity into doing work without desire. I have hidden my authentic self behind masks for so long that I am deadened to everything. I am effective for other people's profit, but never for myself. I am a slave to routine, helpless to change my own fate.

Obviously, this has been much on my mind lately.

Not sure how I feel about this card. It's something I've certainly been thinking about lately, which makes it powerful, but I don't think it's one of my more sophisticated cards, artistically.

I debated whether this was a Committee Card or a Council Card or even a bridge card between the two suits. It feels closer to a Council Card to me, maybe for the simple reason that I don't think of myself as someone who is often silenced. (Not that I yak all the time I mean...but I never feel as though I'm forbidden to speak.) Also, in the Council Suit, it may be counterweighted by another Council card I've created, The Call.

I like this one a lot. I've been sort of frustrated because I've been cutting out images but cards haven't been coalescing. This one quickly fell into place simply because I went through my collection of images again, and the two pictures (the woman in the doorway and the two women signaling 'shhhh') happened to be close together.

The bird I added simply because the two women were cut off at the top and didn't fill the archway and it looked weird. I experimented with several different possible elements to fill in the gap, but I like the bird. It works both colorwise and thematically.

I'm not quite sure that either the title of the card or the description is quite nailed down perfectly. What do you think?

Silence - Council Suit I am the One who does not speak. That does not mean that I do not have words, just that they are locked in my heart for myself alone.

This is one of those cards where I found one image (the central one) and knew immediately I would make a card with it, but I had to wait several more months before I could find other images that would go with it. I found the second two images within the same weekend, and then sat down and immediately made the card.

This card is probably related to The Bearer of Burdens.

The Woman Who is Stressed I am the One who is overwhelmed with more than she can handle.

Finally found the wolf I've been looking for to add in that lower right corner! Now the card is complete.

The Dream - Council Suit I am the One who brings you disguised memory, wisdom, joy, mystery and sometimes terrors within the realm of sleep.

I have been thinking about this.

My family has some problems that have just seemed absolutely intractable. Some of these problems I talk about in public. Some of them Elinor Dashwood is talking about in smaller locked groups on this blog on Livejournal and Dreamwidth. Some I talk about only in person, to just a handful of people.

We are trained to want the happy ending. Let's face it, happy people and winners are culturally preferred. Everyone appreciates a winner.

People in pain? People who can't get it together? People who continue to hurt, even when the people around them, the people who love them, keep trying to help them find their way out of the morass that surrounds them? Not so appealing.

I don't know quite what to do when I can't report the happy ending, both to myself, to my family and friends, and to readers of this journal.

I'm ashamed in a way. I am rather scrupulous at self-examination, and this is what I have been mulling over lately.

One of my soul collage cards is a Committee card (i.e., an aspect of myself) called The Bearer of Burdens:

The Bearer of Burdens - Committee Suit I am the One who is dependable, who bears the unbearable weight. I keep moving forward steadily through the desert that no one else can cross. I carry all that I need with me using my own inner strength. I can carry the burdens of others as well as my own.

I have been thinking lately that when I started walking across this desert, I had no idea that the journey would be so long. You keep going and going and going, reasoning, okay, this can't go on forever; sooner or later you have to get to an oasis, and you'll be able to lay this burden down. But I haven't been able to do so. And after awhile, you start to feel like a fool and a sucker for continuing to trudge forward, but what is your alternative when all around you all you see is a sandblast of desolation? Who else would pick up the burden? And if you stopped now and try to go back, who's to say whether or not you wouldn't end up just walking farther than if you just keep going in the direction you're going? There is no one to tell me. No one.

I lost one of the most important relationships in my life, I think, because the other individual, for reasons that elude me even now, said, "I'm not going to stick around any longer with you on this journey because I'm just tired of waiting for you to get to the oasis." Look, I'm tired of it, too. But I can't find any other way out of this desert than to keep walking.

I would never have believed, three years ago, that Rob would STILL not have a permanent job. I never would have believed some of the other things are still going on that I am struggling with. I can't believe I'm still walking through this desert, and the fear keeps stealing up that it looks as though I'm on the brink of dying of thirst. But what the fuck else am I supposed to do? There are no maps. No vehicles swooping down to pick me up.

I am sorry. I have no idea how long it will take or whether I will ever find the cool waters and restful shade I long for, or whether I'm even destined to get out of the desert at all. I might die of thirst out here all alone, but I have no idea which ending will happen. If only I knew. If I knew that it wasn't going to work out, I suppose at least I could put the burden down and just rest as I waited for the ending.

But I don't. If there's any chance I'll ever see the end of this desert, there isn't anyway I'm going to get out of it except under my own power.

So no, I cannot report the period of unemployment has ended, the marital and mental health problems have been solved, the house has been cleaned and the financial picture is more stable. I'm sorry, and it's getting downright embarrassing, but I just can't. The future may involve foreclosure, bankruptcy, homelessness, hospitalization, divorce. It may involve none of these things.

I don't know how this will end. But I can't see any alternative but to keep going.

(Edited to add: The ironic thing is, I am also actually on both sides of this divide, within my own immediate family.)

The Waterbearer - Council Suit I am the One who brings water to the the thirsty world. I am the guardian and protector of life.

This is the last of the new soulcollage cards that I made while on my retreat.

I had a little doubt over what to name this...after the figure, the Priestess, or the concept. Intercession? Revelation? For now, it's the Priestess.

The Bibliophile - Committee Suit I am the One who loves the written word. I am erudite, knowledgeable, curious and intelligent.

This was one of those cards that was so easy it almost seems like cheating. The picture of the library came ready-made. The only thing I added was the large book on the table in the foreground.

I love books. I inhaled them as a kid, and I wrote two of them as an adult. My Masters degree is in English language and literature.

The library on this card reminds me of the beautiful libraries I saw when I studied abroad in Cambridge, England, one of the happiest times of my life. I remember those little green lamps there.

Another Council card. I'm not quite sure about the title. I toyed with calling it "Dependability"; it's about the quality of something being there for you when you need it or reach out to it. The lilies of the valley were added because in the Victorian language of the flowers, they denoted 'trustworthiness.'

Trustworthiness - Council Suit I am the One who is there with a sure grip when you reach out your hand.