Peg Kerr's Journal

cakmpls and mizzlaurajean and I got into a series of comments on my earlier post about Cooking for Ingrates, and I thought I'd marshall my thoughts in a new post.

Specifically, mizzlaurajean responded to my comment "I hate cooking for my ungrateful family" by asking, quite reasonably, "Then why do it?" I replied:

Because I love cooking (or I would if anyone would appreciate it). Because Rob, comparatively is a much worse cook than me, and if it were up to him, they would eat very badly indeed. Because these are the prime years for them to lay down the calcium in their bones that they will need when they are old to prevent hip fractures. Because Delia is rather underweight and I'm worried about her growing properly. Because if they don't get breakfast, they do badly in school. Because when Delia becomes hypoglycemic her mood becomes so monstrous that the whole family suffers for it. Because if no one tries to teach them how to eat right, how will they learn about how to read labels, and what foods have the vitamins they need, and why they should eat multigrains and avoid trans fats?

Because I'm genetically programmed to look after them and nurture them and care for them.

Because I love them, and preparing food for them is a way of showing love. Which, I suppose, is why it bothers me so much when they refuse it.

Rob added that there's another practical reason: according to household rules, if I cook, I don't have to do the dishes.

cakmpls commented:

Sure, we want to do right by our kids, but there's a limit. Having now lived though two cycles of family (that is, the one in which I was the child and the one in which I was the parent), I am absolutely convinced that food is an area where families have huge control issues, and that's 100% bad. In the long run, I think that people have far worse problems with the fallout/aftermath of the control struggle than with any bad diet whatsoever.

The fact that preparing food is a way you show love is possibly a large part of the problem here. I bet that you are far more "invested" in food that the rest of them. When they refuse your food, they are not refusing your love; to them, food is just food, and they like it or they don't.

This is something I've actually given a lot of thought over the years during all the angst about food in our family. I have consciously told myself repeatedly, "Remember that if they reject the food, they are not rejecting you. Don't take it personally." I know this, but it still hurts when they do refuse what I make. So what is going on? Well, what you know consciously and what you experience emotionally are two different things.

I think, upon further thought, that there is also one other aspect here: food is just such a huge source of pleasure in my life. I love tastes and textures, and I love to share what gives me pleasure. Haven't you ever experienced this? You love a book, or a movie, and you recommend it to someone else, and you're so thrilled when they respond, "Wow, I'm so glad you told me about it. Now I love it, too!" I had an argument with my sister Cindy years ago that really sticks in my memory. I was asking her opinions about various films, and she was extremely disparaging about just about any one I praised. At one point of the conversation, she said to me in total seriousness: "I don't like the kind of films you like, Peg. I like good movies." Upon thinking it over, I realized that our sibling relationship growing up was rather fraught: perhaps because we were so close in age we often battled each other. In the course of the following conversation I challenged us both to step outside of the pattern we seemed to have unconsciously fallen into, to define ourselves in opposition to each other: if you like this, that means that I can't. It was a sort of a power struggle between us that until that day I hadn't even realized was going on. "When I find something I like," I told her, "I really want to share it with people I love, like you. When I see you enjoying something I like, that doubles my own pleasure. When you refuse to like it on the grounds that I like it, that's immensely frustrating to me."

I can imagine cakmpls replying with something she has often said in comments before: don't apply the Golden Rule according to what you want. It should be applied according to what the other person wants. If Fiona gets pleasure in white pasta sprinkled with parmesan cheese, shouldn't that be enough for me, as long as I make sure she gets a vitamin pill, too? Well, I also happen to like white pasta sprinkled with parmesan cheese, personally. But I also like cold melon soup, and spicy Thai food, and baked halibut topped with fresh mango salsa.

It's as if I'm taking the kids through an art museum, and they refuse to look at any painting that has any but three specific colors in it: black, beige and white. "But what about Picasso?" I cry. "What about Monet, what about El Greco, what about Rembrandt? You're missing so much!" It doesn't really convince me to tell me that they'll get all they need to know about art by looking only at line drawings and ink woodcuts. I'm still sad about what they're missing, even if they are perfectly happy. Not just because of the power struggle, but because it feels so lonely when I have no one with whom to share my enthusiasm about Picasso and Monet and El Greco and Rembrandt. Not to mention how much it cost me to get into the damn museum in the first place.

(Oh: and I should have said on the last entry: thank you so much, but I'm not looking for advice. These food entries seem to attract more advice than any other type of entry I write. Unless they're the entries about housekeeping. But I'm simply thinking out loud.)

(And now I'm off to go eat leftover taco pie and winter squash for lunch.)

I don't want to cook anymore for my family.

It's impossible.

I'm just saying.

No, thank you, I am not asking for advice.

I have no idea what to cook for dinner. I am really weary of trying to figure it out.

Delia will not eat
cooked tomatoes
cooked fruit
dried fruit
chicken
pork
onions
kale
mushrooms
cooked vegetables
chili
lasagna (Edited to add: Delia says she will eat some lasagna. If the cooked tomatoes are not detectable.)
beef, sometimes (this is unpredictable; sometimes she'll accept hamburger in, for example, spaghetti or tacos)
bell peppers (if cooked; she'll eat them raw)
kidney beans
pinto beans
garbanzo beans
fish (violently objects to the smell; can't cook it when she's in the house)
potatoes (Edited to add: Delia says she'll eat some potatoes. Certainly more than her sister will.)
shellfish
shrimp
avocados
turkey burgers (will eat sliced turkey. Occasionally)
brussel sprouts
cauliflower
most nuts, particularly in baked goods (she will eat smooth peanut butter)

Fiona will not eat
onions
mushrooms
broccoli
kale
dried fruit
pineapple (allergic -- it causes hives)
chicken (unpredictable, but usually not)
pork (unpredictable, but usually not)
bell peppers, cooked or raw
chili
kidney beans
pinto beans
garbanzo beans
fish
eggs
potatoes
shellfish
shrimp
avocados
brussel sprouts
cauliflower
most nuts, particularly in baked goods (she will eat smooth peanut butter)

Rob will not eat
broccoli
kale
onions
mushrooms
cantaloupe
olives
vegetarian pizza
eggs
shellfish
shrimp
avocados
papaya
mango
tofu (will only eat it if it's in pameladean's Tofu French Silk Pie)
brussel sprouts
cauliflower

I will add items as more occur to me.

P.S. I have thrown in the towel and am resorting to canadian bacon pizza.

I am starting to compile the grocery list for the week, and since we are retrenching, I am looking for rock-bottom price recipes. Nutritional main dish recipes that you actually like. Kid-friendly and easy a particular plus.

I remember one we ate pretty often when I was a kid, a fondue recipe we called "Blushing Bunny." I think I got it from Camp Fire Girls. Why the weird name? I think it is meant as a sort of sideways joke, a tip of the hat to the better known fondue "Welsh Rarebit," which a child might hear as "Welsh Rabbit."

Take a can of Campbell's tomato soup. Do not dilute it. Stir in one egg, well beaten and shredded cheddar cheese (I think we'd put in somewhere between a half cup to a cup or so). Heat gently until hot and thickened. Serve by pouring over toast and eat immediately. I think this serves 2-3, depending on whether you are serving kids or adults.

Like I said, I remember loving this one as a kid, but when I mentioned this one to Delia, she wrinkled her nose in disgust when I made the mistake of telling her the ingredients list. I know that adding the egg to the soup sounds disgusting, but when it is stirred in and heated up, you really can't tell it's there at all. It just is there to add protein and thicken it, I guess. I might make it anyway and insist that they try it at least. It is certainly dead cheap.

Mom used to serve spam and rice pretty frequently, but I'm not quite tempted to revisit that old memory. Rob remembers dinners of fried boloney when he was growing up, but I don't think he's nostalgic for that one, either.

How about you? My kids are picky, but give me your best shot anyway.

Edited to add: All three hate onions, broccoli and mushrooms. The girls hate potatoes (yes, potatoes!), brown rice, and bell peppers. Delia hates cooked tomatoes, cooked apples and cooked oranges and is very unpredictable about meat. She has tried and rejected a number of meat substitutes--impossible to predict, but she doesn't seem to like tofu-based products very much. She is hit or miss on most other vegetables, but less likely to eat them if they are cooked.

Fiona would eat nothing but carbs (pasta) if I let her. White, of course. I prefer whole wheat pasta, but they are much more reluctant to eat it.

Beans are also unpredictable. Rob will eat lentils, pinto beans and kidney beans (reluctantly); girls will not. The girls adore baked beans, however. Go figure. Rob will eat green beans (even canned!), girls, there is no predicting.

Rob will eat kale reluctantly, girls will not.

Edited to add again: My personal favorite suggestion, among all these comments, is moony's suggestion that I teach the girls basic photosynthesis: "You're hungry? Go stand in the yard for an hour."

I baked halibut, with lemon and butter, dill and parmesan cheese.

Fiona: It's edible, but not one of my favorite meals.

Delia: It's okay, I guess, as long as I don't think about what it is I'm eating.

Both of these assessments were made in extremely grudging voices, and each girl managed to choke down two microscopic bites.

The leftovers (and it WAS very good) will be my lunch tomorrow.

I've been going crazy because there haven't been enough fruits and vegetables in the house, so I swung by Seward Co-op and bought:

Fresh kale
Mesclun lettuce mix
Parsley (I want to make some hummus)
Fresh figs (had one; it was soooo good)
Cilantro
Mushrooms
Red Cabbage (I have taken to bringing sliced raw red cabbage tossed with rice vinegar, a smidgen of sugar, and caraway seeds for lunch.)

The first thing that strikes me about this list is that it's pretty healthy.

The second thing is that no one else in my family will eat any of it.

1. We do operate under the you-must-at-least-try it rule.

2. Delia is very interested in cooking and has been talking with her vegetarian friends and taking out books on vegetarianism. We have bought cookbooks for her and let her try to plan meals and mess around in the kitchen.

3. I don't short order cook if they reject what I have offered. If they want something else, they make it themselves.

4. I do try to accommodate food preferences/food rejections.

5. This gets frustrating because the list of food preferences/food rejections seems to be growing exponentially.

6. I do, however, cook and serve stuff even when it has been rejected previously, so they have multiple chances to try it.

7. I do not throw away most food that gets rejected. Usually I will save it and eat it later myself. Yesterday's meal was an exception, because it didn't seem to be condusive to re-heating: if I warmed up the meal to heat up the sauce, the spinach and avocado would not be improved.

8. Delia is, actually, my least picky eater. She does, however, seem to be going through an unusually bad rejecting-food period.

9. I should have probably said on my last entry that I was not asking for advice. I was just more or less venting.

10. It especially is not helpful, after a night like I had last night, to tell me "you're doing this wrong" (e.g., being too accommodating/being wasteful by throwing away food/not letting Delia cook/trying too hard).

11. I am a good cook, dammit.

12. And a healthy and experimental eater.

13. This would probably be a lot easier if my husband would back me up. But he doesn't. He is the pickiest one of all. Everything that I have read says that kids generally follow the father's food preferences. I don't know why.

14. As minnehaha K. has pointed out, the girls have been tested, and they are supertasters.

15. I know that it is likely that the girls will become braver about eating different foods as they grow up. I am trying to be patient.

16. My "bitchy" icon is getting just about the most use it has ever gotten this week. In fact, it seems to be stuck in the permanently "on" position.

17. No, I am not asking for advice. But I still love you all anyway.

1. homemade beef stew

2. Shepherd's Pie (sorry, naomikritzer; yes, they are ingrates)

3. Squash, stuffed with a cottage cheese/parmesan cheese/apple mixture

4. Crescent rolls, topped with cheese/tomato/bell pepper mixture

Today's experiment with the new ice cream maker:

Avocado Ice Cream

Ingredients:

1/2 pint (250 ml) double (heavy) cream
1 TB fresh lemon juice
1/2 cup granulated sugar
3/4 pint (750 ml) milk
3 ripe avocados

Directions:

Take the avocados, peel and seed them and then put into blender with the milk and make a purée. Pour the purée into a mixing bowl, add the sugar, lemon juice and cream and beat until creamy. Then transfer the complete mixture into an ice cream maker and follow the manufacturer's instructions.

I personally thought it was ravishingly delicious. I can't tell you what my family thinks of it, because every one of them refused to touch it and have never tasted it. So the whole batch is mine, bwahahahaha.

Just don't look too closely at the level of saturated fat.